Chapter 1
Making the Decision to Adopt / What Can I Do While I Wait?Making The Decision
Reasons for which people choose to build their families through adoption are personal and diverse. Many have struggled with infertility while others may already be parenting children who joined their family through birth. Whatever brought you to this decision, it is imperative to do research and come to a conclusion that adoption is the best option for you. The decision to adopt must be a thoughtful and informed one, as it will last a lifetime.There are many tools that can be used to assess your readiness for adoption. Many people attend classes, read books or seek therapeutic input on their way to making this life-altering decision. We highly encourage you to do all of the above in preparation for parenting an adopted child or children. The following self-assessment questions may be used to help you explore some of the issues. Please take the time to think these through and discuss them with the important people in your life.
1. Why do I want to adopt?
2. If infertility is the reason, am I at a point of resolution where I can welcome an adopted child as my own child?
3. How has infertility affected our marriage (if married)?
4. If I experienced infertility, how did it affect my self-esteem?
5. How motivated am I?
6. If married, is my spouse as excited as I am to proceed?
7. How do I envision the changes that this adoption will make in my life?
8. Am I ready to make the changes necessary to welcome a child into my life?
9. What are my expectations for my child (age, gender, how they will look, etc.)?
10. Am I all right with the fact that my child may not look like me?
11. Am I thinking of adopting more than one child?
12. Am I flexible in my expectations?
13. Am I realistic in my expectations?
14. How do I see my relationship with the child?
15. Will my lifestyle be enhanced with the addition of a child?
16. Do I have personal issues that I think may improve with the addition of another family member?
17. What disabilities am I willing to consider?
18. If none, am I being realistic?
19. Cultural and racial heritage of the child I see in my family.
20. Have I thought out my expectations for loving and nurturing the child?
21. Can I love a child not born to me?
22. Am I ready to openly talk to my child about adoption issues?
23. Am I sure I will not think of my adopted child as a substitute for a biological child?
24. Can I accept this child with very little knowledge of his or her history?
25. How will my adopted child be accepted in the extended family, community and with my friends?
26. Will this change my relationship with others? How?
27. Who am I going to share this decision with? What will be their role during the wait and after placement?
28. Can I afford this adoption? Am I familiar with federal, state, or employee subsidies?
29. How will my employer see this? Will I have ample time off to travel to another country? Will I be able to get family leave?
30. If married, will one of us quit our jobs to stay home?
31. Who will provide day care if I am at work?
32. Am I ready to deal with the uncertainties of international adoption?
33. What will I be able to contribute to the child’s life?
34. Am I in good health and have the energy and commitment to parent this child for the next 18 years or until the child is an adult?
35. Am I certain that this is not a “second best” option?
36. Have I talked to other adoptive parents?
37. Have I spent time with children in the age range I am hoping to adopt?
38. How will I deal with uncertain medical diagnosis in an adopted child?
39. Have I educated myself about attachment and bonding issues?
40. Have I realistically looked at the problems that orphanage children may bring to the family and am I willing to meet the challenges that it may bring?
41. What will I do if my child is not all I had envisioned?
42. What is my expectation of how long it will take? Am I realistic in my expectations?
43. Do I have a support system?
44. Do I have a plan for what to do during the often long waiting periods between the activities needed in an adoption?
45. Have I educated myself about the issues of grief and loss in not only myself but in the adopted child?
46. Have I considered joining a support group of other adoptive parents?
47. Have I explored my health insurance coverage for my child?
48. Have I thought about my living circumstances and are they conducive to parenting (space, location, schools, etc.)?
49. Have I researched how to establish and/or maintain healthy relationships with between any child already in the home and the newest member of the family?
50. If there are already children in the home, are they prepared for the addition of a new sibling?
These are only a few of the questions you may have already asked yourself. There are many more. It is important to be as prepared as you can be for this endeavor.
Infertility has been called the stealer of dreams. Children grow up envisioning their lives ahead and don’t anticipate that infertility will be in their future. They often spend time playingChinese Toddler the roles of mother or father. The inability to follow this “natural course of events” leaves people with a profound sense of anger, disappointment, frustration and a feeling of inadequacy. People deal with their grief and loss in different ways. Some spend years exploring medical options while others decide not to parent at all. People enter parenthood from many different directions. However, before choosing adoption, it is imperative to confront and acknowledge this loss of the dream and to come to terms with your infertility. If infertility is an issue for you and you have not come to a reasonable resolution yet, it is important for you to do so before you move on to adopt. The pain of infertility will never go away totally but if resolution is not achieved, it will affect the parenting relationship that can be built with the adopted child. If you need help with this issue, there are several resources to begin:• American Infertility Association
• RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Expect “aftershocks” from your infertility. This can happen when you least expect it. Sometimes it is triggered by other women sharing their birthing experiences, or by a family tree project at school or even by your child when they say something like “I wish I had been born to you.” Sometimes it is with a great deal of pride when you watch your talented child achieve things you only dreamed of and knowing he or she did not get THAT talent from you. It is important to realize that an important task for parents is to deal with their own infertility and adoption related issues so that they can help the child deal with theirs.
International adoption is often complicated and unpredictable. Although agencies strive to take the guesswork out of international adoption, it is by its very nature unpredictable. Countries change their laws, their paperwork, and even close their adoption programs altogether. People can lose documents. Bureaucracy has its own rules. These things can make planning and waiting unpredictable and frustrating. Dealing with the “bumps” in your process requires humor, resilience and patience. It means that you need to do your research and that you have thoroughly explored your readiness for adoption. Being prepared will make your process smoother and easier.
While You Wait
Coping with the delays and inevitable complexities of adoption is not always easy but there are ways to make it easier and to create treasured memories in the process. Consider the following ideas and come up with some of your own.1. Inform yourself about international adoption by reading, researching, talking to adoption professionals and adoptive parents
2. Talk to experienced parents about their experiences
3. Spend time with children in the age range you are planning to adopt
4. Build a support network
5. Plan and decorate the child’s room (this can be difficult for some prospective parents who have experienced the unpredictability of infertility)
6. Read adoption books and parenting books
7. Exercise or find a favorite hobby. Do you think you are too busy? Wait until the child is here. These little miracles can take more time than you can imagine.
8. Study your child’s culture and language
9. Travel for fun
10. Envision parenting your child. Caution: if you are too specific about what you think your child may look like, you may have some difficulty if matched with a child who has different physical features (e.g. if you envision a child with blond, curly hair and the child you are referred has straight brown hair, you could have difficulty coming to terms with the “loss” of your “dream” child.
11. Don’t believe everything you hear. Check out any rumors with your adoption agency. There may be much more to a situation than originally meets the eye.
12. Gather humanitarian aid for your child’s orphanage
13. Strengthen your relationships
14. Build a strong relationship with your agency
15. Realize that there are times in your adoption when there is nothing to do but wait
16. Relax. There are periods of time where “nothing happens” for months. (In reality, what is happening is behind the scenes). It may seem like an eternity but calling frequently will not make it happen faster. Establish a reasonable schedule for contact. Commonwealth will keep you informed of any changes in your adoption and cue you to any needed actions on your part.
17. When “the ball is in your court,” move quickly to achieve necessary tasks. There are times when you will be very, very active and times when there is nothing for you to do.
18. Try not to control every step of the process. It will not hasten your child’s arrival and may actually complicate it.
19. Since you did a lot of research to pick the right agency for your adoption, trust that they know what they are doing and try to let them work out the details. You will get a lot more sleep that way.
20. Pick a name. This is a surprisingly difficult task for many families. The discussions can be very interesting and you may elect to retain your child’s birth name.
21. Get yourself organized. It is amazing how messy a little baby can be and how much space they acquire (remember the living room- what did we use it for before it became a play room?)
22. Investigate early intervention services in your area
23. Discuss what you have learned with your children who already live with you and prepare them for the changes that will occur
24. Research resources that will help the integration between children already in the home and the newest member of your family
25. Prepare your extended families for the experience
26. Learn children’s games for the age child you are planning to adopt
27. Take a CPR course
28. Take a parenting class
29. Choose and interview a pediatrician
30. Select a guardian for your child
31. Make or update your will
32. Review your life insurance
33. Check out immunizations for yourself. A good place to start is www.cdc.gov which is the Center for Disease Control. Depending on when you are traveling, the country you are adopting from and the length of your stay, and different recommendations may be made.
34. Finish any home repairs you may have put aside (Hint: your new child will take every moment you have. If it is an hour, they will take two.) Planning on this fact in advance will save you a lot of turmoil.)
35. Think about your announcements
36. Make a journal of your experiences
37. Begin a life book for your child
38. Save money for unexpected expenses
39. Explore ways to finance college (yes, they do grow up quickly)
40. Put together a list of all your contacts for easy access. Make the list complete with e-mail addresses as it may be the easiest and cheapest way to communicate with others while you are in country.
41. Identify an International Adoption Clinic or doctor who is going to help you review the medical information for your child
42. Identify an airline. Research options for travel. When the call comes, there will not be a lot of time to plan.
43. Imagine your past: sights, sounds, earliest memories, stories, songs. Ask others to share with you (parents, siblings). What was important to you? Remember both warm memories and scary moments. Image what your child may bring with him/her as his/her warm memories and scary moments.
44. View old movies or videos of you as a child (or of children you are already parenting). Review them, paying particular attention to details of vocalization, interactions with others, affect, emotions, etc. Reflect on how your child’s experiences might differ. Think about the changes that will be necessary for your new child. Familiar things will give way to new and different ways to interact with everything. Sights, sounds, language, stimulation, routines, etc. will be different as will the intense interactions and feelings that living in a family.
45. Get a language or music tape from the country of origin of your child. Become familiar with some of what your child may have experienced. A very interesting exercise is closing your eyes and “losing yourself” in the different experience. You may find that the sounds are not pleasing to you. If that happens, don’t quit. Let the experience teach you about differences. Consider the possibility that your child may not be enamored with your life surrounds at first. What we think of as sweet and engaging may not be so for your child.
46. Get books from the library about your child’s country of origin. Hint: often the juvenile section has more general overview and picture books. It is a good place to start. Sometimes the adult section is too specific (unless you truly are interested in the GNP.)
47. Take some specific period of time to experience your life through the eyes and ears of your child. You may find lots of things may be a “new” experience for your child. Example: barking dogs, birds, going to the store with lots of input.
48. If you can, spend time with people who don’t speak your language. If you don’t have any ethnic groups close by, you might even choose someone who communicates through sign language. You may be amazed how easy and how hard it can be to communicate. Reflect on how this new communication will be for you and your child.
49. Create a fun game for your family and/or friends. Make a “menu” in a new language and invite them over for a meal. When each member comes, present him/her with a list of the menu items. They can choose 3 items for each “course”. Some could have a knife, peas and pie for the first course while someone else could end up with soup, meat and potatoes (with no utensils). How would you feel if you had a napkin, a spoon and a fork for the first course while your friend had delicious food? At the end of the meal, reflect on the similarities between this exercise and what your child’s experience in his/her new environment might entail.
Not busy enough? Check with your Case Manager. There are many other ways to invest your time. Remember, it is important to enjoy the process as well as the result. You will have quite a story to share with your child.
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14
