Chapter 10
Racial and Cultural Identity
Congratulations! Your decision to adopt a child internationally has now allowed you to be a part of a multicultural family. This can be an enriching experience for everyone. While you are waiting for the “referral” and the chance to meet your child for the first time, you can prepare by learning about your child’s country of origin.There are many ways to begin this exploration. A trip to the library to get books about the child’s country is a good way to start. The Juvenile section is often the easiest place as they have more general books. Explore the internet, watch movies and television specials from your child’s country. Get a language tape and learn some words in your child’s native language. Buy decorative objects from your child’s country. Research special cultural holidays you may want to share with the child. Eat some foods from his or her country. In short, prepare yourself to appreciate your child’s country of origin.
One of the central tasks in childhood is to develop a sense of self. Self-image is developed in many ways, but racial and ethnic heritage and how the person perceives the broader society’s reaction to that heritage are vital building blocks. A healthy cultural identity means that the person has learned to appreciate the uniqueness of their culture.
Internationally adopted children have several cultures with which to identify. Their culture of origin may have less dominance in their concept depending on the age that they have left their original culture. For instance, a baby may have few memories of their early life while a child who joins his/her new family at age 14 will have many memories and influences. Some mistakenly believe adopting a child of the same race will eliminate the need to include the child’s culture as part of the family. In reality, whether the child joins the family in infancy or as a teen, whether the adoption was transracial or otherwise, the need to value and affirm his/her cultural, racial and ethnic connection is essential to the development of a positive self image.
Children strive to find their unique place in an often confusing world. They need to make sense of their adoption. If the child looks different from the rest of his or her family, he/she needs to develop a positive racial identity based on the celebration of uniqueness rather than merely an acceptance of differences (which is also important.) A child from Asia may have beautiful almond shaped eyes and straight hair while a child from an African country may have lovely round brown eyes and curly hair. Racial self-esteem can grow and flourish in children who learn that their sense of belonging and value comes not from what they do but who they are. Parents who embrace the child’s uniqueness can bring a feeling of being valued for all of who they are.
The beginning of this is an inherent belief that you all belong together as a family. As parents, you need to believe that you are the best people to parent these children. Belief in your own competence is of course, vital to being confident in your parenting skills. Parenting internationally-born children will transform parents in unexpected ways, unforseeable before the decision to adopt was made.
Respect for the child’s individuality is an essential first step in establishing a strong foundation from which the child can build. Parents can foster this by accepting and celebrating not only those things they have in common with the child but also the differences. Children need to believe that they are loveable. A simple, “I am so happy you came to live with me” or “I really love the way your hair curls” can help the child feel that they are accepted just as they are.
Most parents would love to protect their child from all the negative events in life. This is, however, impossible. It is important to do whatever you can to prepare your child for difficult situations. If your child is trans-racial, talk about it and help him/her deal with it before some insensitive person surprises them. Having some good tools to use to diffuse the situation will help a child immeasurably. Because we live in a society with racist elements, one must first acknowledge its existence. Then, it is important to assess our own attitude and provide tools for the child to deal with any prejudice he/she may encounter. Because there are no easy solutions, parents must help their child have high self-esteem and a level of preparedness.
Surround yourself with supportive family and friends. Children absorb all the love and acceptance they can get. Become absolutely invested in your parenting. Take an interest in things that interest your child. Take your child to places where there are people of his/her cultural background. Attend cultural fairs. Many cities host something like “A Festival of Nations.” Teach your child that there are valuable and worthwhile things to learn from all other cultures. Talk about race, ethnicity and culture. Don’t tolerate ethnic or racially biased remarks.
Educate others. Many people have not experienced intense cultural immersion. Help them understand about diversity and acceptance. Most teachers have become experienced in multi-cultural issues as their classrooms are filled with more and more children from different backgrounds. There may be, however, a teacher who “just doesn’t get it.” Your first clue may be when there is an incident at school. Stand behind your children, educate when possible and don’t give in to the urge to fight their battles for them. If your child’s feelings are hurt, talk to him/her about it and validate those feelings. Open discussion can help your child not only deal with the incident but also build another bridge to you as they realize you understand and support him/her. Allow him/her to be part of the solution. “What do you think you could do if that happens again?” Invite him/her to tell you what they want you to do, if anything. Help your child understand that while your family values diversity and celebrates different cultures, others may not understand these issues.
Ultimately, you will be the expert on your child. You will know him/her like no one else ever will. Most parents report that they can tell by the tenor of their babies cries is he/she is tired, wet, hungry or hurt. Helping your child understand and appreciate his/her past and embrace the future will be one of the most important and worthwhile things you will do as a parent. Culture is one of those issues. Remember, although you can learn from books, culture is something you live not something you merely learn about. Your child will live in the culture of your home. Inclusion of his/her past culture will not only enrich all of you but also allow your child to build a better self-image.
Life books are a necessity. They tell the story of the first part of your child’s life and is a celebration of your child’s past and your beginning as a family. Most often, children who are adopted internationally arrive with very little information. Unlike babies born to families in the U.S., they do not have their footprints from the hospital and a picture of them at one day of age. Filling in the gaps for your child will help him/her understand why an adoption plan was made for him/her. It will reassure your child that he/she was truly wanted by you and that he/she will always be a part of your family. It is a great way to tell the adoption story without sitting down and having “the adoption talk.” Life books can be detailed or simple and can include pictures, journal entries, maps and other memorabilia. This is your child’s version of a baby book. Just like traditional baby books, there are different versions available to purchase. You can find them in adoption magazines, bookstores and even at card shops.
If your child joined your family as an older child, he/she will come with past memories and experiences. Including these memories in a scrapbook can help the child process the past. If these are not written down soon, they may be forgotten. Life books can help a child deal with loss. Remember to be realistic, however. If your older child has negative memories and you portray his early life as absolutely wonderful, it will not build trust.
Everyone is a storyteller. When you write the story of what you know about your child’s past, you will be able to examine it yourself. Your child will need to hear their “story” over and over again and in many ways. It is important to always tell the truth in age appropriate ways. You do not have to share everything you know. For example, telling a five year old that his mother had multiple arrests for prostitution would not be helpful information for him to have. Piecing together as much as you can will help fill in the gaps for your child. Putting together a memoir of images, thoughts and information will be one of the most meaningful gifts you can share with your child.
One fun way to share a life book with a toddler is to have a color copy made at a copy center and maybe even have it laminated. Put it among his/her toddler books and watch how often he/she brings out the “me” book. It will be a positive way for him/her to start to understand that joining their family was a normal and natural process.
Life books can convey the various aspects of adoption in a clear and positive way. They can help the child begin to think about and explore his history and where it fits in his/her future. The information contained in a life book can reinforce the child’s place in and connection with the new family. It can begin a dialogue that sets the stage for future communication. It will also help the child understand what a birth parent might be and help set the stage for conversations about “real parents” vs. birth parents before the child hears it from some one else who is uninformed.
Many children of divorced parents take on the burden of feeling responsible for their parent’s divorce. You may hear something like “if I had just been quieter (smarter, sweeter, better looking, etc.) my parents would still be together.” Children need help to understand that this was not their fault. Similarly, the adoptive parent must assist the child in understanding why an adoption plan was made for him/her. If the birth mother is parenting the sibling of the child, why couldn’t she “keep me too?” These dialogues can help ease the grief and loss that a child may feel in relation to his/her early life, caretakers and birth parents. It may also ease the guilt or shame many associate with rejection.
Some families write “Dear Birth Parent” letters and keep them in their journal (if not in the life book). If written on the anniversary of your child’s arrival or on his/her birthday, it is a consistent way to commemorate what has happened to the child during the last year and what you would like to have the birth parent know if you could. It may be “Johnny got an award for reading 100 books over the summer” or “Suzie got her first tooth last week.” Whatever those memories, they will be captured forever by you. When your child gets old enough to appreciate this, he/she can read those letters and know that you cared enough to prepare them and that you realized that the birth parent would want to know that his/her child was well loved. Many countries do not allow or encourage “open” adoptions and you may never have a chance to share these letters directly with the birth parent. Things have changed drastically in adoption practices over the last 40 years. We have gone from a “closed adoption” model to one wherein the birth mother may see the child on a weekly basis. It runs the gambit. Other countries, however, are not where we are today. In fact, in some countries it is a felony for a citizen to aid in finding birth parents as the adoption records are sealed. We need to be culturally sensitive and prepare our children for the probability that they will not have a “reunion” with their birth family.
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