Chapter 13
Post Adoption Revisited
The conversation you will have after you arrive home can be an absolutely perfect time to brag about your child and to raise any questions. This will help with a smooth transition. Traditionally, this “meeting” takes place a few weeks after you arrive home. It will give you a chance to get over jet lag and begin the integration process. You will have a clearer vision of how things are going. This chapter is devoted to you and your questions. Like Chapter 12, it will be tailored made to your needs.Some topics you may want to cover might be how to promote development, everyday parenting issues, how to establish and maintain sensible routines, talking about adoption, childcare and integration.
Some things to review and think about:
Adoption is a lifelong process. Historically, adoption was a process that was shrouded in secrecy. Having the “adoption” talk was akin to having the “birds and bees” talk and was a one-time event. Even if people knew, little was shared with the adopted person. Adoptive parents were told to “take them home and love them” and “treat them like they are no different than others.” Children were matched to look like their adoptive families “so no one will know.” Adoption professionals have realized that this was not in the best interest of the child and began to advocate for a more open model. Now, we hear about adoption on the talk shows and there are many books and magazines devoted to adoption topics. There are adoption groups. Adoption is openly discussed. There is a healthier understanding of adoption issues. There has been a marked change since the 1960’s. Learning that you were adopted when you were an adult and that almost everyone knew but you, can be a devastating experience. Adopted persons often felt that they were lied to and prevented from asking those important questions. This became even more poignant if the people who held the secrets were no longer around to answer them.Acknowledging adoption and the issues involved is a good first step. Talking openly about it is another. It is important, however, not to dwell on adoption so much that the adopted person feels singled out and “different.” Adoption is a viable and natural way to build a family. Gently encouraging the open discussion about adoption and providing opportunities for the child to ask questions will help him/her signal when ready to discuss more. Eventually, the child is entitled to any and all information about him/herself. However, a young child cannot process some information. Honesty is the cornerstone of trust. It is not a good idea to tell the child untruths about his/her adoption. Be aware of the fact that the child will need to process his/her adoption again and again when they are in different developmental stages. Grief may appear again and again as the child deals with their losses. Be prepared to help the child during these times. If you have established an open relationship based on trust, this will be much easier. Resist the urge to feel responsible for the child’s grief. He/she will, ultimately, need to come to grips with the adoption issues. You are there to support and provide guidance. You cannot “fix” the past.
Be aware that there may be times that are more sensitive than others. Holidays may be different for older children than what seems familiar. Mother’s and Father’s day may trigger questions about the birth family. Birthdays may remind a child of birth parents or other caretakers and what they have lost. School projects, like a family tree project, may trigger questions and anxiety as they pose topics that have no easy answers. Puberty may also bring questions relating to “who am I really?” Discovery of the facts of life may trigger questions about identity. Medical appointments may cause questions – particularly if they contain such questions as “has anyone in your family had X?” Loss in the adoptive family due to death, divorce and moves can also be especially difficult. Parenthood can also be a trying time for adopted people as they face questions about what it means to be a parent and analyze their own identity and once again.
Some hints for success during the transition process.
• Get plenty of sleep. This has been a tiring and emotional process. You need to recoup• Take it easy. Don’t over stimulate your child. Being in your home is exciting enough in the beginning
• Set realistic goals. Don’t try to “do it all” right away
• Laugh and enjoy each other
• Take time to refresh and recharge yourself
• Take control of visitors
• Keep a positive attitude
• Get help. Getting settled in takes some time
• Accept the fact that your house will never be as clean and organized again – children are wonderfully messy
• Play
• Laugh some more
Remember, your pre-adoption counseling and education help with a good base of knowledge. However, it is not the end of your responsibility to educate yourself. Don’t wait for a crisis. Seek knowledge through reading, talking to others and each other. Get a network in place that will help you in case of difficulties.
Don’t forget about the importance of post placement reports being done in a timely manner. This is a vital part of your process. It will inform the country from which you have adopted about your child’s integration and well-being. It is a required part of your process. If the country does not receive timely reports, they could suspend adoptions for other children. Besides, it is a perfect time for you to meet with your social worker and talk about child and family.
The most important thing is to enjoy and love each other. Play, laugh and be silly. Explore together. It is profound, tiring, exciting, joyous and challenging to be a parent. Enjoy!
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