Chapter 2
Two Kinds of Love
Adoption is a life changing, life-long and inter-generational process. It unites adopted children, birth parents and adoptive parents. The participants are forever bound together through a shared destiny and a gift of life. Adopted children come with a past, a past that you, as an adoptive parent, do not share. Sharing this appreciation with your child will not diminish your relationship with your child but rather enhance it in many ways.Understanding all dimensions of adoption will help you develop a positive relationship with your child. The child’s self image of is partially formed around their image of birthparents and the circumstances of their birth.
There are many losses in adoption. The child has lost a birth mother before gaining a new family. A birth mother has lost her connection with the child to whom she gave birth. An adoptive parent may have lost their dream of becoming a biological parent. These losses cross cultures and national boundaries. This shared loss can become a common bond to those involved in what is called the adoption triad.The following is an exercise in thinking about losses. Please reflect on the losses inherent in adoption and fill in your own responses.
Some things a birth mother lost or may have lost:
• The child
• Participating in the parenting of the child
• Sharing the “magic moments” of the child’s life
• Seeing her child excel in life
• Respect of her family
• Being a mother
• Control of her child’s destiny
• Social status
• Self-respect
Some things the internationally adopted child may have lost:
• Birth parents• Country of origin
• Original culture
• Nationality
• Familiar surroundings
• Language
• Being wanted and cherished by the biological parents
• Security
• Genetic Link
• Biological siblings
Some things that adoptive parents may have lost:
• Control• Dreams
• Genetic link
• Privacy
• The birth experience
• Sharing a pregnancy experience
• Predictability
Some things you have lost:
(Write down things missed by not having a biological child)
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
From personal tragedy and loss come the experiences of adoption. It is not a second best choice but a viable alternative for those who embrace it. It starts with a shared commitment to a lifelong relationship with one another.Rituals are one way of bonding with one another and helping people understand the complex issues of today’s society. One family finds comfort in a Mother’s Day project where the children are allowed to write a letter to the birth parent. Another family may happily exclaim to their child, “I wish your birth mother could see you. She would be so proud of who you have become.” Some other families don’t talk about it but demonstrate their gratefulness for being able to share in the child’s life by such things as creating a life book (more about this in later chapters). This is a very important issue for you and your child.
Whatever you choose to do, it is important to understand the losses inherent in any adoption and help the child work through grief. Some children demonstrate an active grieving process while others seem to never question their adoption. Keep an open and honest relationship with your child about their adoption. Your child is looking to you to be a role model. Just as in a good marriage, we don’t always wholly appreciate our spouse’s extended family but we honor our partner’s past.
The following is a poem that is often used in helping explain adoption. Many parents have a copy of this hanging on the wall while the child is growing up. It can act as a catalyst in beginning discussions about adoption and what that means for a family.
Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women who never knew each other.One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life, the second taught you how to live it.
The first one gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed our fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age-old question, unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither.
Just two different kinds of love.
Often in international adoption, little is known about the circumstances that made it necessary to make an adoption plan for a child. Information may not have been gathered, may be inaccessible or inaccurate. How and what you share with your child will be up to you, as parents. Sometimes, more information is learned during the court process as the court records may contain more information than the orphanage. Whatever your circumstance, you need to create a truthful “story” for your child based on the information you have. For many, the story focuses on the country, economics and other reasons a birth parent may be unable to parent. Of course, there are cases where birth parents have had their parental rights severed due to abuse or neglect. How you present this information to the child will impact his/her view of self and the world. Some parents explain that the birth mother had a very difficult life and made some choices which were not optimal but were not the fault of the child. Reinforcing the fact that you are happy that he/she joined your family and that he/she is loved and wanted is an ongoing process.
Unlike “open” adoption in the United States, it is unlikely that adoptive parents have the opportunity to actually meet the birth family in international adoption. Some families opt to create a “Dear Birthmother” letter even if it is never delivered. This serves a slightly different purpose than the “Dear Birthmother” letters utilized in “open” adoptions wherein they are used as a selection tool. However, it has many elements in common. It is a way to express feelings and explain why a plan to adopt was initiated. It is also a way to tell the birthmother that the child will be loved and treasured. The letter can be kept with the adoption material to share with the child when appropriate. It is a way to let the child know that the adoptive parent(s) appreciated and honored the birth parent and can be a wonderful way to think through the experience as well. Some hints for constructing a Dear Birthmother Letter:
• Write from your own experience
• Be yourself
• Share your pain as well as your joy
• Depict how you live and what is important for you
• Share some of your aspirations for your family
• Assure the birthmother that the child is wanted and will be loved in a consistent and caring manner
• Be positive
The following is a fictitious letter from a birthmother to the child she could not parent. It is an amalgamation of thoughts and feelings expressed by birthmothers over many years and serves as an example.
Dear One,
I am your Mother. I awoke today thinking about you. You turned one year old yesterday and I feel sad that I was not there to see you grow and to give you a kiss and a hug. I think about you everyday. I am happy that I was the first one to hear you cry and to give you your first kiss and hug. I hope you know I love you.
I know that I may never see you again. I wish for you a good life and that your new parents will love you very much. I am sad that I was not able to parent you and share your life but I am not able to parent anyone right now. I hope that you will never resent me for my decision. I will always be your Mother.
I want you to be happy. I don’t expect you to be perfect, just yourself. I am not perfect but I know that God will help me have the strength to see the way. I pray for you everyday. I pray that God has given you a good life with people who love you.
I will never forget you. You will always be in my thoughts. I hope you give someone the joy of seeing your first step and hearing your first words. I hope you will get a good education and have a good life. Don’t forget me. I won’t forget you.
Your Mother
Some adoptive parents write poetry or prose to their not-yet-known child. It is a way of working through the thoughts and aspirations for your child. You may choose to do this as a way to focus your thoughts and provide something for your child in the future. For example:
My Promise for You
By JR
I Promise You I will hold you close, feed you well and encourage you
I Promise You I will love you, comfort you and always be there for you
I Promise You I will guide and teach you
I Promise You I will tell you that I love you every day
I Promise You I will teach you right from wrong
I Promise You I will listen to you
I Promise You I will laugh with you and to be silly
I Promise You I will share the adoption journey with you and walk by your side everyday
I Promise You I will share an open relationship with you so you can build trust
I Promise You I will listen to what is most important to you and to provide as many opportunities as possible for you to follow your interests
I Promise You I will provide discipline for you, as it is an important part of loving you
I Promise You that we will both make many mistakes and will not be perfect
I Promise You that I will challenge you to be the best you can be
I Promise to love you everyday.
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14
