Chapter 3
The Language of Adoption
Adoption practices and the perceptions about adoption have changed considerably over the last 50 years in the United States. Many older people remember the time when adoption was “a secret.” and children who were adopted as infants were matched to look like their new parents. Today, we know that this is not a positive approach to adoption and the new openness has led to many new studies on the impacts of openness in adoption. Today, with open adoption, a birth mother may see her child weekly and may even be a secondary caretaker for the child. This rapid change has left many confused. Consider the birth mother who was told that she should “get on with her life” as she will never see her child again, who finds that 30 years later, the landscape has changed and she may get a call from a social worker seeking reunification on behalf of the adopted child (now an adult). This is uncharted territory for many. There are many positive stories of positive reunions (or meetings as some prefer to call them) but there are also many not as positive stories and all parties should be prepared as well as possible for contingencies.International countries are not necessarily where we are in terms of adoption openness. Consider the Korean birth mother who was assured that this was a confidential adoption. Due to shame and societal norms, she did not tell her new husband that she had a child before her relationship with him. When the adopted son and his adoptive mother located her made contact with her, (citing his “right to have contact and to know about his past”) her life changed forever once again. Her husband divorced her and she lost the respect of her children. She had not been employed outside of the home and now was left to put her life back in order without the necessary skills and training needed to do so. Her family was not welcoming of the new openness in adoption. We must keep in mind the awesome responsibility we have to weigh our needs against others and to be culturally sensitive while we are advocating for our needs and those of our loved ones.
There are many agencies and groups who now facilitate meetings between the birth family, the adopted child and/or the adoptive parent. It can be a positive way to mediate the needs of all. This is a sensitive issue for everyone concerned. Some countries have laws against birth parent searches and have penalties codified in law for people who aid in this search. Some adoption professionals conclude that it is, indeed, the adopted adult’s right to seek and meet the birth parent while others will argue that it is not necessary. Some children will never have the option to seek a birth parent, as even the authorities and their country of origin do not know their background. If this is the case, it is incumbent on the adoptive parent to help the child deal with this circumstance. This as well as many more complex adoption issues may concern you and your child as the years pass.
As adoption changes, so do the terms we use. As we come into a more “politically correct” time, we need to be cognizant of terminology. Some of the following examples are blatant while some not as obvious. Even your closest relatives may be unintentionally insensitive. Political correctness aside, there are very real consequences to the negative use of adoption terms. It can set up misunderstandings, set obstacles between people and hurt those involved. What we say and the words we choose communicate volumes about our values. Positive adoption language sends a message of legitimacy while negative terminology causes pain.
The best advice is to be honest but age appropriate in your discussions with your child. You will find yourself modeling correct terms to your family, friends and acquaintances and educating others. Consider the following terms and phrases:
• Given up for Adoption – Does this sound like “given away?” It is much better to say “an adoption plan was made” because, truly, it was a plan that made the child available for adoption. If the plan was not made by the birth parents (in case of the involuntary severance of parental rights) then the state or the country in which the child resided made that plan.
• Real Child – This can inflame the most understanding of adoptive families as if the adopted child is not real. We know they are.
• Real Parent – Yes, birth or biological parents are very real AND, yes, the adoptive parent IS a real parent.
• Illegitimate Child – This is an old term not in much use today but will still be heard. The child may have been born to unmarried parents but the notion of illegitimacy is not the shameful issue it once was when it appeared on the birth certificates of children born from a union between unmarried parents.
• Natural Parent – The alternative to this would be unnatural. It is easy to see that using this term would not be positive. A better alternative would be the birth parent or the biological parent. Some adoptive parents prefer to refer to the birth mother as the first mother.
• Unwanted Child – This term can be especially damaging for the adopted child’s self image. Who could ever think that being an unwanted child would be a good thing? Much better to say that the child was placed for adoption or that an adoption plan was made for this child.
• Child Taken Away – If a court action has taken place, which is most often the case, it is better to state that it was a court termination.
• Put Up for Adoption – The etiology of this term goes back to the turn of the century (not the most recent one) and the Orphan Trains. The very short version of this is that there were too many orphaned children in New York City and it was becoming a very difficult problem as these children became beggars, thieves, and joined gangs as a way to survive. A plan was devised to send these children on trains going west. In each small town in which the train stopped, the children were PUT UP on the platform and local citizenry was able to choose a child. For some, this plan worked well but for some it did not and they were nothing more than indentured servants. The image of children standing on platforms being chosen by strangers is not a positive one. For more about this fascinating saga in our history, please read the book entitled The Orphan Trains. Much better to state that an adoption plan was made for the child.
• Adoptive Parent – This term is germane when delineating between birth parents and adoptive parents in contexts such as this. It is used for clarification. More often, however, it has no bearing on understanding. The term is merely parent. The term adoptive parent should be used only when it is important to distinguish the differences.
• Available Child – Yes, the child may be legally available for adoption but a more currently used term is Waiting Child, while some prefer to define the concept as “a child in need of a family”.
• My Adopted Child – Unless this is in the context of adoption discussions, the term is merely My Child. No adjective is needed unless it has a purpose in the discussion.
• To Keep – This term is used usually when a birth parent is asked if they are going “to keep” their child. A more positive concept is that of parenting. Are you going to parent this child?
• Closed Adoption – This concept refers to the idea that the records are closed or sealed and there is little information shared. Many now refer to it as a confidential adoption.
• Foreign or Alien Child – Does the term “alien” evoke images of E.T. in your mind? Not that long ago, children were not granted citizenship as easily. A long process was needed wherein adoptive parents had to file “alien” papers with the government while the process of “naturalization” was completed. A currently used phrase is “A child from abroad.”
• Handicapped Child – this term has generally given way to “a child with special needs.”
• Relinquish, Surrender or Release – Many prefer “choose adoption for the child.”
• Unwanted Pregnancy – “Unplanned Pregnancy”
• Adoption Triangle – The concept of the “Adoption Triad” has been helpful for many in understanding the idea that adoption involves the birth parents, the adopted child and the adoptive parents. These people are forever linked even though they may never meet. Some people prefer the concept of an “Adoption Circle”, an “Adoption Community” or an Adoption Constellation” as they see it as broader and more indicative of the many relationships that are created when an adoption is completed.
Relatives, close friends and even complete strangers may say clumsy, invasive, and hurtful things. The following are examples of what some people convey without even thinking about it carefully.
• “She looks exactly like you. You would never know she is adopted.”
• “Maybe when your brother gets married, he will have a son to pass on the family name” (while your adopted son is present)
• “They come with only the clothes on their back” (and your birth child came with less than that)
• “Of course, I’m not prejudiced but…” (Alarm bells are going off now aren’t they?)
• “Adopted children are….” (You can fill in the blank. As if all adopted children have something magical in common.)
• “How smart of you to choose an Asian child. I understand they are very good at math.” (Yes, people still say things like that.)
• “It’s too bad you could not have a child of your own.”
• “How much did you have to pay to adopt her?”
Tips for handling the insensitivities of others:
• Don’t take immediate offense. They are often not informed or are just curious. Determine how much and with whom you want to share certain information.• Be an ambassador for adoption. You will be helping many children and families (not only your own) when you can educate others about adoption.
• Talk to other adoptive parents. The common bond you share will help you with ways to work through many issues. You can get many insights by sharing with other adoptive parents.
• Talk openly about adoption within your family. This will help your child deal with the occasional lout they are bound to encounter.
• Use a great deal of humor. Example: You can preset a cue for you and your child if you are going to the traditional family gathering where an insensitive person is bound to make the perennial inappropriate remarks. It might go something like this “I will look right at you, you can look right at me, and I will pull on my earlobe. You will know that what I am thinking is that you are a great kid and I’m very glad you are a part of my family and he just does not know how to enjoy the finest things in life.”
• Prepare for those you know are going do or say something inappropriate. You are probably thinking of someone right now. Try to understand why they may be feeling this way. Prejudice is not excusable, but you can handle the issues with more ease if you understand why they are there.
• Be caring and compassionate, but don’t give in. You will be more effective and a stronger role model for your child on how to handle difficult people if you handle these issues in a sensible and realistic manner.
People may be inquisitive because they really are considering adoption, you may be able to help another child find a family if you are able to discern between inquisitiveness and intrusiveness.Words are very significant when used in the public sector. Newspapers, magazines, television and movies portray adoption in various ways. In your role as adoption advocate and educator, affirm those who do it well and let the others know what is not appropriate.
Examples:
• In a newspaper article the fact that a person is of a certain race, gender, religion, or that he or she is adopted is only pertinent if it is essential to the story.• The adoptive parents should be referred to merely as the parent not as the adopted parent unless it is essential to the story.
• Using positive adoption language is important (see above). Encourage others to use it.
• Adoptive parents are not saints nor did they “do this wonderful and selfless thing” when they adopted their child.
• It is usually best to refer to the fact that a child WAS adopted (an event) rather than that the child IS adopted.
• Help people forgo the urge to elaborate on the reasons for adoption. “He could not have children of his own” is not appropriate nor needed. Your children who joined your family through adoption are, indeed, your own and are very real.
As is the case with the rest of life, it is not always what we say but how we say it that matters. Using respectful, positive adoption language is important for all concerned.
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