Chapter 6
Meeting Your Child
This is the most exciting and life changing experience you are likely to ever have. Some people have information prior to travel and already have a good idea of whom they will meet. Others will go “blind” without preliminary information. Whatever your experience is, it is important to explore the likely sequence of events and the feelings involved.As discussed in Chapter 5, it is important to have an International Adoption physician help you with medical questions. This may occur before you travel or while you are in country. Whichever your experience, these professionals are uniquely equipped to help you make an informed decision.
To know how your child is doing, you need a good idea of what children of that same age are doing. It is recommended that you attend a parenting class, research what developmental milestones might be appropriate for your child and realize that your child WILL have inevitable delays. If you are unfamiliar with children, spend time with children in the age range you are hoping to adopt. You will need to learn as much as possible from caretakers, medicals and orphanage personnel as you can. You will want to observe or learn as much about your child’s daily life as possible. You will want to interact with the child. You will want to gather growth points, history of illnesses, results of any tests that were administered, and the immunization history. If you're making two trips and want to purchase clothes for the child to wear when you bring him/her home, you should get current measurements and trace the foot size on your first trip. It is not possible to make individual special requests of orphanage or in-country administrative staff.The child may or may not be prepared for your arrival. You have thought about and prepared for this moment for months or years. The child has not been consulted about the process. These children are not in a place to be in charge of their own destiny. They must instead rely on the professionals in their lives to make the decision that adoption is the best plan for them. Sometimes even older children are not informed of your purpose in being there. Can you imagine the pressure on a young child that “if you are cute and engaging enough, you will get a mommy and/or daddy but if you do not behave properly, you may never have one.” Many older children are well aware of what happens in orphanages. Other children went to the meeting room and met people who came back for them later. These children left with their new parents. The pressure in this situation is not just for the adoptive parents. The child may very well feel like he/she is on trial. If not “chosen,” the child can feel very sad, depressed and at fault. That is one that only one child at a time is considered. A decision on whether to adopt THAT child needs to be made before another can be considered. The image of stepping into a roomful of children and choosing one from the sea of faces is not psychologically advisable, for either you or the child.
You may or may not be invited back to the “working” part of your child’s orphanage. Imagine a room full of children who get very excited about the arrival of a stranger or two. Imagine trying to calm them down after their routine is disrupted. For this reason, you are likely to meet your child in a meeting room. This room may not be familiar to your child. Especially if the child’s favorite caretaker is not in the room, the child can experience much anxiety. He/she is aware that something is happening. There are strangers in the room. You look different, sound different and may even smell different than the people he/she is used to. The child may become shocked or frightened. You will not be seeing who this child really is if this persists during your entire visit. Therefore, it is good to win the child over. A good place to start is to allow the child a little time to acclimate to the new environment. Then initiate interactions with the child by inviting him/her into your space. We have all been with people who swoop in, scoop up a child and the child cries out. This is not what you want to have happen during your visit. If the child is coming down with a cold, is teething or is meeting you during his/her nap time, the child may not be acting like his/her normal self. Give the child space and bring a toy for him/her to play with to break the ice.
If you are getting the feeling that the child is not demonstrating his/her normal behavior, ask the interpreter about how the child usually acts. Your in-country associate and/or interpreter is your link to being socially and politically correct while getting the information you seek. This person will be able to understand the politics of the country, orphanage and culture so that what you say will be filtered in culturally acceptable ways. Sometimes Americans can mean well but can be brusque and say things that will insult the host. Obviously, that is not what you want to have happen. Your associate will be your link to what is acceptable in the region. Seek advice. Tell him/her what you need to know and let your associate be the mediator. Share your expectations with him/her.
Some people describe the experience that when they first met their child, they fell immediately in love. “When they brought him in, I knew I loved him immediately. He was my son.” This response, however, is certainly not universal. You are experiencing a strange phenomenon. You are trying to fall in love while at the same time striving to be objective. Many people do not feel that their new child is indeed their child until that child has been home for many weeks or even months. Your experience will be different than others. Comparisons and pre-set expectations may not be helpful.
If you have received information on your child prior to travel, you will probably have already consulted with an International Adoption Clinic about the medical information on your child. If you are receiving your information while in-country, the medical information will be given to you in writing or may be imparted orally. You will probably consult with your physician via internet café after your initial visit with the child. Although you will not be able to send video via the internet (digital may be possible), if you have a camera, it will help document your first meeting with your child. Stay calm, takes notes and ask questions.
If you choose to adopt from a country that has one trip, you may receive your child shortly after your arrival in country. In that case, you will not have much time to get to know your child before being alone with him/her. This can be a very rewarding time but also can be scary for you and the child. It will require a different process for integration than if you go to a country that requires you to visit your child daily for two weeks before a court date can be set. You will spend time with your case worker exploring that process when you review Chapter 12 together. You will learn about all the requirements and expectations for your country.If your country requires two trips, you may meet your child briefly before going home while the necessary steps are finished before a court date is set. The wait can be very difficult. While the idea of staying in country for a week or so to “bond” with your new child may be tempting, it is not necessarily a helpful thing for your child. Just when the child begins to trust you and enjoy your company, you are gone. The child may feel as if you are just one more person who has left. It is important to be sensitive to the child’s needs and to be mindful of what is in the child’s best interest.
The timing of the court hearing is set by the judge in the child’s country. Their dockets are as busy as a judge in this country. That is why it is not possible to negotiate the court date. Often families have little notice from when the court date is set until they are expected to arrive for the appearance. It is imperative for you to get your paperwork done as quickly as possible in order to assure a timely court date. If you delay, your entire process will be delayed as well. If a court date is delayed due to document errors, it is often delayed for two months, not two weeks.
There are several important things to remember during your adoption. Children cannot be “ordered” according to preconceived criteria. Children who are available for adoption consideration at any given time are the children who are available at that time. Two months hence there will be different children in need of homes. Please be aware that although there may be many children at the orphanage, they are not all available for consideration. Only children who are legally ready can be considered by you. When children are off the country registry or databank, they are “free” for international adoption. Most countries still require pre-final court date legal confirmations that the child’s known relatives do not object to the pending adoption. Occasionally this can delay or derail an adoption.
Another factor is the precedence of domestic placement. This means that in most countries, domestic families have precedence over foreign families. Rarely but occasionally, a domestic family will claim a child that a foreign family wishes to adopt. The domestic family has precedence and there is no recourse in the law.
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