Chapter 7
Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child
Much of what you will experience in parenting your adopted child will mirror the experiences of your peers parenting biological children. There are many theories about positive parenting but ultimately you will find your own approach. You are encouraged to attend a class in parenting. Parenting is probably the most important job you will ever have. Doing it well takes preparation and thoughtfulness. None of us were born knowing how to read. We learned through education, practice and correcting our mistakes. Some erroneously think that parenting is something that just happens rather than a learned process. After all, weren’t we parented and haven’t we seen parents with their children? Just like learning any new skill, it will need all the education we can garner.
Some believe that all adopted children have special needs and, therefore, need extra elements in parenting. In this chapter, we will begin to explore some of the things that make parenting your adopted child an enriching experience for both of you. We will explore some of the things that bring extra challenges and present some ways to meet those challenges. We anticipate that this introduction will be the beginning of your learning and that you will continue to seek the knowledge that will make you an excellent parent at every stage of your child’s development.Time:
Parenting demands a lot of time and focus. You will be much busier as you strive to meet the demands of a job and juggle all the needs of your new child. However, it can be liberating, as your world slows down while meeting the needs of your child. At the end of a particularly demanding day at work, your child will remind you of what is truly important in life. You will find that you will have more “reasons” to say no to other people’s requests like spending weekends and evenings at work. Your life may not be as spontaneous as before but it will be richer. You will find yourself doing again those things that are your favorite memories. You will find time to do homework, go to the zoo and may even remember how wonderful the art of riding a bike can be. You will never do anything as well as you once did. You will think about your child while at work and wonder about your work while at home. Your time will not be your own. Planning becomes paramount as you try to meet all the demands of your life. Your house will never be as clean again. You will find yourself laughing more. Isn’t this exactly what you planned?Bonding:
This is a perennial topic in parenting. “Will I bond to my child and will my child bond with me?” is a question that is often voiced as a fear in prospective parents. This is a natural fear, one that most parents have at one time or another. Whether the child joins the family through birth or through adoption, the question remains the same. Much depends on your child’s life experiences, health and unique personalities. Additionally, what you bring to the relationship in terms of willingness to accept the child as is and work with the challenges he/she may bring will enhance or disrupt the bonding process.Although you will not have a genetic link to your child, you can have a deep emotional connection. This process has already begun as you imagine the child you hope to parent and share a lifetime relationship with. The chances of accomplishing a strong connection will be enhanced if you are able to accept and be comfortable with the fact that you do not share a genetic tie.
Although most parents have preferences for their child in terms of looks and abilities, it is important to be able to reframe them and accept the child you will parent wholly. Were you hoping for an athletic child but got one who just loved computers? Perhaps you have the next Bill Gates. Celebrating all of who he/she is will help expand not only their horizons but also yours. It will be both “nature and nurture” that shape your child. You will help your child express his/her talents and traits. How marvelous for a parent to discover that while they are tone deaf, their child has great musical talents.
Sometimes people wonder if they can truly love a child not born to them. The answer is a resounding yes! The circumstancesLady With Chinese Baby that brought you together will be different but no less profound. Can you love a spouse? Do you share a common genetic link? If you can accept differences, celebrate talents you do not share with a child and embrace uniqueness, your attachment with your child will be greatly enhanced. If your desire to parent is based on establishing a loving relationship with a child rather than cloning yourself, you will be in a much better place to establish a loving relationship with an adopted child. It is important in parenting adopted children to remember that no child, whether adopted or biological, will be “perfect” and meet all of our ideals. Reflect on this thought: do you think you never disappointed your parents? No parent is perfect nor is any child. Sometimes this “imperfection” is what will help us attach as we build our reciprocal relationships. Relationships always entail discovery and adjustment.If you have never parented biologically, you may wonder what a birth child may have been like, just as your adopted child will wonder whom they resemble. What each of you bring to he relationship will influence your bond as does the child’s background, past bonding experiences, any past traumas, health, etc. The encouraging thing to remember is that most adopted children and their parents establish and maintain strong attachments.
There are many positive things you can do to enhance your attachment to your new child. If your child is an infant, wear an infant carrier to keep the child close to you. Holding your baby while giving him/her their bottle will help the child with tactile stimulation and encourage eye-to-eye contact. Having the parent(s) be the one(s) who solely provide nutrition and comfort will enhance the child’s ability to attach to them and not be indiscriminate in their affection. Giving “baby massages” will enhance your skin-to-skin touch.
Participation in “claiming” exercises is very useful and normal. We have all seen this with new parents when a baby is born to them. Generally, they are counting the fingers and toes, examining the child’s facial features (to see who they look like), gazing into the child’s face, etc. Your experience with your newly adopted child will be similar. In getting to know each other, you will be doing a lot of mutual “claiming” exercises. Talking a lot to get the child used to your voice and their new language will help. If the child is old enough, playing a game wherein you roll the ball back and forth will enhance reciprocity. Dance to music together. Imitate each other’s facial movements and vocalizations. Sit near the child. Give lots of hugs and kisses. Rock the baby and even the older child. Sing. Giggle and laugh. There are many more things you can do to aid in your attachment process. You will very likely be amazed at how creative you will become as you work toward attachment. Remember, although you have had time to think about this child and plan, he/she has not had that luxury. The child may not be sold on the idea that this is the best plan. It will take time and patience to establish and maintain your relationship. Play, interact, feed, play, console, play! Develop a relationship that teaches the child you want to interact and that you are tuned in to his/her needs.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is something that has been studied extensively in recent years. This disorder is not the exclusive property of the adopted child. There are many reasons that a child may develop RAD. Abuse, neglect, prenatal drug or alcohol exposure, health issues that are painful and can not be relieved by a caretaker, lack of a consistent caretaker and frequent changes are but some of the reasons a child may develop RAD. Certainly, your child WILL have attachment issues. The type and severity of problems that adoptive parents will encounter is reflective of the breaks in attachments that occur within the first few years of life. Seeking appropriate, timely, professional care is important especially if you suspect that the child is having trouble beyond “normal” adjustment issues. Some of the symptoms might be: no impulse control, inappropriate demanding behavior, incessant chatter, indiscriminate affection towards others – especially strangers, abnormal eating patterns, destructive behavior towards others or self. There is certainly a danger, however, in over-diagnosing this disorder. It is erroneous to state that adopted children will never wholly bond with their adoptive parents and it is also erroneous to believe that adoption does not impede this process. Most adopted children and their parents make healthy attachments. All children need the help of their family and often professionals to sort through the issues involved in adoption. There are many good books on the topic of attachment and bonding. As with the other topics we discuss, being informed is the best prevention plan you can create.
Building Attachment:
Attachment is built through reciprocal positive interactions as well mutual claiming. This process can take time so it is important to set expectations accordingly. Before a healthy attachment can be established, trust must be established between the child and parent. If the child has had a supportive bond with a previous parent or caretaker, it will make this process easier. A baby’s first task in life is to learn to trust. That is done through meeting the child’s immediate needs. If a child is hungry, food is provided. If that child is wet, someone changes the diaper. If the child has not had that experience, it will make the necessary task of building trust much more difficult. The child needs to learn to trust YOU. If the child cries when leaving their favorite caretaker, it is not negative because he/she has an attachment with someone special in their life. You can build on that trust to establish your relationship with the child. If your child has not learned to trust anyone, the task ahead will be more difficult.Reciprocal play can enhance your process of attachment. Displaying affection, smiling and praising the child can also aid in this task. Building a history of positive interactions will build the base for attachment. The parents are usually the first to begin this process. The child eventually learns to initiate positive interactions by smiling, playing and giggling. This endearing process signals the child’s participation and willingness to engage in the process. Discovering joy in each other’s presence is essential.
Feeding issues can be difficult at first. Getting to know what your child likes or doesn’t like is important. Changing formula for a baby can be difficult. If you are unable to buy the same formula that the baby is already using, you may be able to find out how it is different. Some adoptive families have found that they are more successful, for the short term, if they add a little sugar to the baby’s formula. Introduce new foods gradually. If the child has a sensitivity to a food, you will be much more likely to identify it if you know when it was introduced. If a baby seems to have an aversion to baby foods, it may be because they have had their bottle propped during feeding in the orphanage and that the muscles for sucking and swallowing are not highly developed. This is not uncommon and is important to know. Early intervention by an experienced pediatric therapist can be invaluable. The child may merely need practice and will learn quickly. If the child is used to room temperature formula and the new parent tries to give him/her warmed formula, it may not go over well. Holding a baby while feeding a bottle can help the child adjust, as can making eye contact can. If the child has not been held when fed, he/she may arch his/her back to suck down the formula. As the parent and child experience positive experiences around feeding and relax with one another, the problems are eased. Hint: if traveling with a baby, it is always a good idea to have them suck on a pacifier or bottle, especially while going up or down. It will help alleviate the pressure in their ear canals.
Setting realistic expectations is important in defining “success.” A child who has spent 6 years in less than optimal settings is highly unlikely be an honor roll student in the first year of joining your family. A baby who has been raised in an orphanage may not crawl or walk with his/her peers.
“Belonging” together as a family is vital to establish. Celebrating similarities AND differences will aid in building the family unit. Reframing expectations is essential. If a parent expects and wants a child who is athletic and outgoing, it is important to rethink those expectations when faced with parenting a child who is shy and prefers computers. Personality and expectation clashes will impede attachment.
Grief and Loss:
This phenomenon is shared between all parties in adoption. It is important to recognize how this will impact all parties. For adoptive parents, it may be grieving the ability to parent through birth or sharing a common genetic bond. For the birth mother, it may be the inability to parent the child born to her and the difficult decision to make an adoption plan for the child. For the child, it may be the loss of the genetic links, not having anyone who looks like them, their familiar surroundings, etc. How each participant deals with their own grief and loss is unique.Some adoptive mothers experience post adoption depression similar to the post partum depression that some birth mother have. This comes as a shock to most and in fact is termed as “baby shock” by some. After all, this is the most positive and exciting thing that has happened, so “why should I feel sad?” Being tired, feeling frustrated and overwhelmed are commonplace and can be anticipated. Adoptive parents may grieve their independence and feel at a loss when renegotiating all of their daily tasks to accommodate their child. Even infants can seem to be depressed after a major change in their environment. Adjustments are not always easy even if the situation is supposed to be positive. A parent whose new child does not seem to appreciate his new room with all the fancy toys and bright walls may not understand the child’s grieving for the dreary, overcrowded orphanage. Help for “baby shock” can come in many ways: letting others do some of the work, taking good care of yourself, taking charge of the time others visit and anticipating a less than perfect house is a start. Taking lots of time to play and nurture your self as well as the baby will result in less adjustment stress. Share private time with your spouse and others in your family circle.
Any major change in life circumstance can trigger grief reactions. There is a useful exercise to help you experience what the child may be feeling. It is important to take some time with this one to fully appreciate its significance. Sit is a quiet place that is free from distractions. Close you eyes. Imagine that a stranger comes to your door and tells you that you are to leave in a half an hour. You may pack a small suitcase full of everything that is important to you but that is all you can take. You will have to leave your family and everything that is familiar. You don’t have time to say “goodbye” to everyone and everything. Take some time to imagine how you might feel. Now imagine yourself on an airplane going to a destination of which you have no knowledge. How do you feel? Even if the stranger is kind and helpful, how do you feel towards this person? Do you experience terror, anger and sadness? Do you experience excitement, joy and anticipation? Does this stranger engender trust? Now, imagine that you are in a new country where there is nothing familiar. Everyone dresses differently, speaks a language that you cannot understand, the food is not at all familiar and nothing is predictable. Everyone is kind but they always want to hug you and expect you to be happy. How do you really feel? Do you think about your past and grieve the loss of everything familiar. Do you miss your old family and friends? You start to adjust to their ways and even start to enjoy some of the things about your new environment. Now imagine that someone comes to their door and you move yet another time. This new place has people who speak the same language as your last place but have a whole new set of rules for you to learn. Do you feel safe? Do you feel relaxed? Do you feel sad, scared or depressed? Are you nervous around strangers? How long will it take to believe that this is your last move? How long will it take to feel trusting that this will be your “forever” home? How long will it take for you to recover a sense of control or confidence in your life?
This exercise is very helpful on a lot of levels. As an adult, you have many more life experiences to help you deal with all the changes in your life and you are not happy with what just happened to you. Imagine how the child with fewer coping mechanisms may feel. The child may feel terrified, lonely, sad and angry. The child’s initial adjustment is not merely reflective of you and how kind you have been to the child. It is reflective of how that child experiences all the changes in his/her life. You had months or years to think about the adoption process and how you would incorporate the child into your life. The child had only a moment and did not even get a vote. Sensitivity to how that child is experiencing these changes will help you as an adult and will help both of you in your mutual attachment.
Loss is experienced by individuals in unique ways. However, it is always a personal crisis. Every major loss we experience forces us to redefine who and what we are. The feelings of loss can be triggered by the permanent or temporary removal of a person, object or event. It may be failure to achieve an important goal. A particular loss may be handled easily by one person while the same loss may trigger major reactions in another. Many people and children suffered delayed reactions. Recognizing your child’s unique reactions to losses will aid you in addressing them.
It is important to remember that loss may also be experienced as a traumatic interpretation of a non-traumatic event. Equally important is the recognition that each individual sees trauma in a unique way. This is influenced by their individual makeup and development. For example, adults generally realize that the temporary loss of a favorite toy is not the end of the world but the young child may not. The simple things that children think of as vital are often laughable to adults and are the fodder of many discussions and smiles. However, it is important to realize that to the child, it is very important. In helping ourselves, and our children, deal with the inevitable losses in adoption, we need to be aware of the individual importance that each loss has for each individual.
Years ago, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in defining and explaining grief and loss. She identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Each loss we incur will require going through these stages to come to a resolution of that loss. Many people have gone through this process without intellectually knowing the steps. Think about being in a car accident, for example. When everything stops, the person may quickly go through the “No, it could not have happened” stage. Then it is the “How could they have pulled out in front of me” anger stage. Then there may be the “Dear God, if I could just go back in my life 15 minutes, I will be a good person” bargaining stage. Then may come the “How am I going to get to work without a car and it was such a nice new one” depression stage. Then reality hits and finally the “I will have to deal with it as it is” stage comes into play. People often waffle between stages before eventually reaching closure. Many books and articles have been written about this topic. It is wise to inform yourself about this topic as it is pivotal to your child’s adjustment and well being.
Early Adjustment
Infant adjustment is often thought of as easier than older child adjustment. Although this may be true for many children, it is not universal. Some babies have noticeable negative reactions to change. They may display emotional and physical symptoms. Small babies recognize and need good care, however, who provides that care is not as critical to the small baby as it is for a baby over 6 months of age. The older infant can recognize and display a preference for one or two people who the child sees as dependable in meeting their needs. That feeling is attachment. Their attachment to their primary caretaker is intense during this period. You may have observed that around 6-7 months of age a baby will fuss when held by a stranger and when a “favorite person” comes into sight, wants to go to him/her.Babies can react somatically through sleeping or eating problems. The baby may refuse to eat, may have an upset stomach or possibly diarrhea. The child may be irritable and may cry for extended periods of time. If the baby is not getting enough sleep, they may experience even more symptoms. Since the baby is not verbal, there are fewer outlets for him/her to address their displeasure. The child may demonstrate a lack of vitality, be sick often or seem depressed. Knowing that these reactions are possible will help the adoptive parents determine a reasonable way to address the issues.
Adoptive parents may not have a good venue for discussion of these adjustment reactions as non-adoptive parents and friends (even professionals such as doctors) may not be aware of the differences. If the problems are severe or ongoing, it is important to seek appropriate help. It is not too soon to begin building your network of helpful family, friends and professionals. Sometimes understanding comes with the help of other adoptive parents so if there is a support group in the area, check it out.
Toddlers may have many of the same reactions but may be more dramatic. Their clinging is more intense and if they are demonstrating withdrawal, it is more striking. Older children often have developed more sophisticated “survival skills” and may be reluctant to let go of them. The overwhelming issue, however, is how that child experiences the changes and how the transition is handled.
One way of making the adjustment easier for all is to make as many things familiar as possible. Learn as much as you can about your child’s daily experiences and replicate as many of them as possible. Just being in your home will be an overwhelming change for the child. Familiar formula for babies, familiar food for toddlers and older children can all help. For instance, if the child has a cookie that he/she likes, buy some in country for the trip home.
Establishing routines is helpful to both you and the child. Routines aid the child in establishing trust and are very comforting for a child. At least part of his/her life is predictable. Bedtime routines are particularly needed. What you decide is of less importance than familiarity with a routine. It matters less if a child, for instance, takes a bath, gets a story and then is tucked into bed or if the child gets rocked and sung to and then tucked into bed. There needs to be a gentle winding down from the daily activities to help the child settle into sleep. Children are notorious in their inability to find their “off button.” As adults, we need to assist them. Children in orphanages often have no choices. When it is time for bed, it is time for bed. Individual negotiation is not possible. Parents may inadvertently foster nighttime delays and difficulty in sleeping by permitting bedtime delays. Nightlights are often used in orphanages so that caretakers can check on the children without waking them. It may be helpful to the child to have one. Sleep is often one of the most difficult issue in early adjustment. Learning more about this issue now, before you need the skills, is helpful. There are many good resources available. Adjustments can be easier for the child if done gradually. This is not always possible, however. Spending time with the child in his/her environment before leaving for home can be very helpful. In some countries, there is a way to visit with your child in the orphanage for some time before the child leaves with you. This will help the child get to know you before he/she loses all that is familiar. They will not be leaving with a stranger. In some cases, there is a wait after court before you leave the country. This is an ideal time to get to know each other. All seasoned parents know that it is difficult to travel with a child but in can be much more difficult when you do not know each other well. Hint: don’t try to establish new routines while “on the road.”
Gradual transitions to your new house can be helpful. After a 20-hour travel experience just getting home, it is advisable to focus on the bed and not see the whole house immediately. It may just be too much. For a child used to sleeping in a room (or a crib) with other children, it can be frightening to be in a room by him/herself. Many parents sleep in the room with the child for the first few nights. If you have a child already in the home, this can be a wonderful time for adjustment to each other. The older child can feel very important in being there for the baby while the baby can have someone there. This only works, however, if one of your children is not nocturnal.
Cultural differences are important to understand. If a child is used to being carried on the mother’s back for most of the day, he/she can feel abandoned in a walker. Some orphanages do not use diapers as they feel it is cheaper to wash the clothes. Your new baby may not like the idea of diapers. Children in an orphanage may not have experienced a bubble bath and may be alarmed when placed in a large tub of water with bubbles. Just acknowledging these differences and becoming familiar with the practices in the country and orphanage can make a smoother transition.
Remember that a child may not display initial adjustment reactions but could develop them later. You may be left wondering where it came from as the child seemed better adjusted previously. If a child has experienced multiple moves he/she may just take this one in stride as another move or have a severe reaction. There is not much that parents can do to assist a grieving infant, other than give support and comfort. You may find that walking the child and rocking will help. Helping a child who seems inconsolable is difficult. It is a time, however, for you to show the child that you are dependable and that you can be counted on to provide comfort as well as a time for the child to grieve.
A smooth adjustment period can be complicated by a child’s medical or past issues. If a child does not feel well, it is difficult to engage. An irritable child is not as easy to incorporate into a new household as a smiling, gurgling one. Knowing as much as you can about the child’s medical issues and the child’s early history is helpful. Unfortunately, there is often no information available and you may not know much if anything about these issues.
Meaningful relationships develop over time. It is rare that people meet and marry within hours. Many months or years are spent in developing a relationship before the decision is made to proceed with a lifetime relationship. International adoption has a lot of built in stresses. Adoptive parents travel half way around the world to meet a child who is a stranger and have to make a lifetime commitment to this child within days or hours of first meeting the child. Making this decision is complicated by jet lag and emotions. Just at the time people are trying to “fall in love” with their new child, they are trying to be objective about the decisions they will make. This makes the process very complicated and unpredictable and is very emotional. How amazing and marvelous that it works so well! The adjustment period is so important to establishing a lasting relationship that it is vital to be realistic about how long and how much effort it will take. Being gentle with the process and with each other will help. Investing time to adjust to one another is paramount; time, patience, kindness and flexibility are key.
Some parents take turns taking their family leave in order to have more time with the child while some parents have to return to work shortly after placement. If that is the case, making a smooth adjustment for the child is vital. Spending time at the daycare with the child for days to familiarize the child with it before you leave him/her will help. Barring an emergency, never leave a sleeping child with a stranger. Waking up to a stranger can be traumatizing. If the child is of school age, going to school with the child for the first few days can help.
Nutritional deficits can hinder adjustment as the child is not meeting his or her nutritional needs. A past history of deprivation can have a lingering affect. Certainly, your child will get better consistent nutrition in your home than in the orphanage. If your child has been fortunate enough to be in foster care, this may not be as large an issue. However, your doctor may feel it appropriate to refer you to a nutritionist of to have a more comprehensive assessment if they child displays growth, eating or health issues.
The language barrier can hamper an older child’s adjustment. Although this is the topic most people identify immediately as being paramount to adjustment, there are many others. Different ways of expressing affection, different rules and procedures, different foods are but a few. A child who seems to reject kissing and hugging as a way of showing affection may be unfamiliar with that way of expressing love. It is not necessarily indicative of never having had affection. The use of pantomime, dictionaries and an interpreter if the issue is complicated is often quite helpful. It is often amazing for an adoptive parent to watch the child play with other children who do not share the same language. They communicate amazingly well and seem to have a great deal of fun together with or without common words. ESL (English as a Second Language) classes at school can help the child.
Just as in the U.S., older children come into care because of complicated and difficult circumstances. This makes their adjustment period longer and harder. Besides the issues of adjusting to the new family, rules, etc. these children have to deal with all of their past neglect, abuse and abandonment issues.
Institutionalized and traumatized children may not respond to the same stimulations we expect. For example, a child who has experienced his/her early life in a busy orphanage where the caretaker to child ratio is high, may not cry when ill or in pain. He/she may have learned that is does no good to expend the effort as no one came. If that has been your child’s experience, you will have to watch your child carefully for signs of illness or pain as they may not let you know in the obvious manner. Another example is in the area of touch. While we may see touching a child lovingly by caressing her hair as good, the child who is unused to that way of demonstrating affection may see it as intrusive and uncomfortable. Having a child who resists physical closeness can be very difficult for new adoptive parents. It is critical to understand, however, that the child is not rejecting the parent and it is not personal. The child is rejecting that action. There are many ways to help the process. Sitting close to the child may be acceptable to the child. Brief touching may be acceptable. There are many books on the topic of sensory integration and adjustment (see bibliography). Learn more about this important topic.
Relatives:
Much of the time, relatives are aware of and accepting of adoption as a viable way of expanding your family. The overall adjustment of the child will depend not only on his/her adjustment to you but also to how that child adjusts with other relatives and/or friends. Just as it took time for the adoptive parent(s) to make the decision to adopt, it may take the other significant players time. They may not be knowledgeable of adoption practices or issues. Adoptive parents find that it is important to educate others as well as themselves. Although most relatives eventually accept adoption, not everyone has an initial favorable reaction. Anticipating this is the first step in addressing it. Often, it is the child himself who “wins them over.” The help and encouragement of those closest to the adoptive parent(s) is vital to a successful initial adjustment. Including these important people in the process as it evolves will give them a chance to gradually accept and embrace the adoptive parent(s) choice. If this is not done well or if there is division in the family about this issue, it can have long term effects. Building a sense of “family” is important to the child in his/her identity.Building family traditions can help with the initial integration as well as the long term adjustment. Each family has their own unique traditions that surround holidays, birthdays and other significant events. The understanding that “in our family, we” can help the child feel secure and that he/she is part of the family.
Later Adjustment:
After the initial adjustment, life can settle into more of a routine and the next phase of adjustment can occur. Parents begin to think more about the future with their child and what that will entail. Issues such as daycare, pre-school, school, peer adjustments, and adolescence become more important to explore. Planning and educating self and others is important during this stage of adjustment.Child development has different stages that generally correspond to a child’s chronological age. When these stages are met, it is described as reaching a milestone. Your child’s development may vary significantly depending on their early life experiences and health. The general rule of thumb is that a child who has grown up in an orphanage is delayed by a month for every three months he/she has spent in the orphanage. Even he best run orphanage does not substitute for a home where the child receives individual attention. Given the notion that the child will come with delays, it is important to look at your child according to not only chronological but also developmental age.
Being consistent and offering predictability in as many areas as possible will help the child adjust. As the newness of the placement wears off, the child may begin to feel unsure of their place in the family and about the future (especially with older children). The child will be seeing boundaries. It is, perhaps, even more important for a child who has had a disrupted life than for other children to be able to “feel the boundaries” of their lives in order to feel secure. Providing consistency and predictability are two tools that can help.
It is imperative to understand the need for appropriate discipline. Children will demonstrate unacceptable behavior and it is up to the parents to set the boundaries. Understanding the cause of the misbehavior is key to a positive solution. There is a marked difference whether the child has never been taught about this behavior or if the cause of the misbehavior is because of control issues. Is this “normal” misbehavior or is there an underlying issue related to grief and loss, perceptual problems or emotional disturbance? It is important to avoid punishing the child for extended crying, tantrums or other expressions of grief and rage. Helping the child understand that there are more appropriate venues to express these feelings will aid that child learn internal control. It is more appropriate to use “time in” where the child stays in close proximity to the parent than a “time out” which isolates the child. Remember: it is important to provide discipline rather than punishment. The goal is to elicit compliance with appropriate norms and to learn better methods of meeting needs. Punitive measures do not teach a child much other than someone bigger has more power. Understanding that the inappropriate behavior is not necessarily malicious will help the parent design appropriate methods to teach discipline and self-control.
Expect regression. Any adopted child may act younger that his/her chronological age. A child who has been potty trained may start soiling or wetting. Older children may act “little” and may revert to baby talk. Realizing that this is probable will help the new adoptive parent understand that it is a normal part of the process. Institutionalized children can present an odd mix of dependent and independent behaviors.
The primary task of an infant is to develop a sense of trust in the world. He/she needs to learn to view it as reliable and predictable. The positive interactions with the parent or caretaker who is meeting the infants needs for food, comfort and consistency help the child develop that sense of trust. The child will be most secure if he/she has had consistency and affection in a timely manner. This is the time that the infant needs to attach to the caretaker. As the child grows, he/she will begin to separate from the caretaker by learning to be more independent (crawling and then walking). Children of this age want to be more independent but are also afraid of separation. It is a rather complex time for children as they move to more independence both in physical terms and in psychological terms as well. If the child has successfully met their developmental tasks in this stage, he/she is better equipped to meet the next developmental tasks.
Toddlers begin to differentiate from their caretakers. As they move into this more independent stage, they start to express themselves in more complex ways. The “no” response and the “mine” idea begin to emerge. They may start to express anger. Many people refer to this stage as the “terrible twos” although this stage may be more marked during the “threes” for some children. These little ones can exhibit “naughty” behaviors such as hitting, biting, pushing and pinching. Some parents wonder if their child is normal if they start showing a lot of these behaviors. It is important to know what kind of behavior is typical for children. It is sometimes confusing to a parent whose child cuddles and exhibits separation anxiety when they leave but then seem to reject them. The “I will do it by myself” phase is normal and predictable. It is important for parents to take the time to teach little ones during this time and to allow them to accomplish as much as they really can on their own. After all, the successful parent will work themselves out of the critical job of daily care by raising independent children who are capable adults. It is hard to envision that the child you worked so hard to bring into your family will be pushing away from you at the time you want to attach. Work with them; actively assisting your child to develop new skills will allow you to build a relationship based on teamwork and trust. Your independent toddler will be a contented snuggler later in the day.
The preschool years are extreme learning times for children. They are active learners. They learn to talk, differentiate from others, cooperate with peers and are intensely curious. The “why” question can exhaust even the most patient of parents. They are “excellent observers” but often lousy interpreters” as they strive to make sense of the world. This is a time that parents start to write down all the “funny” things a child has said in their struggle to understand how the world works. This is a time of “magical” thinking when they, at times, do not always distinguish reliably between fantasy and reality. They may demonstrate a fear of giants, monsters, etc. They may envision that they are a prince or a princess.
This stage can also have an aggressive and competitive side. Behavior can be challenging and argumentative and the child can be downright stubborn. This is a time for the child to work on their independence and autonomy.
Children who have been severely abused, neglected or otherwise traumatized may not demonstrate this “typical” behavior. If the child shows seductive behaviors, excessive fear, or difficulties with showing appropriate affection, they will need more help. If a child has been sexually abused, he/she will have more difficulties with appropriate affection. Professional help is often needed to help the child during this time.
Elementary aged school age children have different needs. If they join their families at this stage, there may be more issues related to trust, attachment and dependency. There is a more thorough discussion of this and older child adoption in a subsequent chapter.
Particularly with older children who have had multiple life placements, there is often a “honeymoon” period there the child wants to please. This is a sweet phase and parents may find that they are surprised at how well it is going. This may be followed by a strong “testing” phase that may blindside new parents. The child is trying to find the limits of the relationship. “Are you going to still love me if I…?” Adoptive parents can become very discouraged during this process. It is important to remember that it is not about the parent and whether he/she is doing a good job, it is about the child’s needs. It is vital to work through this if the child is to feel safe enough to trust the new family to be a part of their life.
School Issues:
When children go to school, adoptive parents can be concerned as they will no longer be the buffer between the child and those who do not understand adoption. Because the parent cannot be there to help the child with any issues, they often look to the teacher to fill that role. The teacher may not be knowledgeable or sensitive to the special needs an adopted child may have. Most are not formally trained in adoption related issues. With so many children to teach, each with his/her own needs to address, the teacher may not be able to meet each need. When children are still at home with their parents, they are usually in their presence when inappropriate comments are made and the parent can help with the situation. But when children are in school, the parent can no longer fulfill that role.Adopted families want their children to be accepted without question. They want the child to be treated “normally” as other children are but with sensitivity to the issues surrounding adoption. The nontraditional family unit is prevalent in today’s society. Children come from blended families, single parent families, etc. If the adopted child arrived in infancy from a country where he/she looks much like the adoptive parents, there may be fewer questions. However, a child who does not speak the language or is Asian in an otherwise Caucasian school will be noticed. Whether it is obvious or not, it is important for parents to be aware of the issues and ways to help their child.
While teachers should not make the assumption that every child has access to a baby picture, there are still exercises in many schools wherein children are asked to bring a baby picture and the rest of the class will guess who belongs to which picture. If the child is the only Asian child in the class and their first picture is of a four year old, it is obvious that the issue of adoption will be prevalent. Helping the adopted child understand these issues before school starts will help him/her in dealing with the questions.
Often, schools have the “family topic” that they cover. With today’s diversity in what constitutes a family unit, there is more information available and a greater awareness that families come in all shapes, sizes and colors. A single parent may be called on to help his/her child understand why other children have two parents and they have only one. Questions like “who is my daddy and why don’t I know him” may surface. Adopted children have even more to deal with as they don’t know about their genetic heritage. Many schools have the Family Tree exercise. This can be a very enlightening time for the adoptive parents as they help their child deal with adoption. Whose “tree” do you use – the genetic one (which you know very little of) or the adoptive one? Who belongs in the tree? Some start with alternatives to the traditional “family tree”. A Tree with Roots can be created where the child is the trunk and the roots and branches are filled with other family members. Birth parents and/or foster parents are the roots and the branches are the adoptive family. Another version is the Loving Tree. In this version, the child is on the tree trunk and the pictures and/or names of the people they love are inside of hearts on the branches. Yet another version is that of Family Houses. This version shows links between family members and depicts how they have moved from one home to join another. A more thorough one that is often used for an older child is that of the Pedigree Wheel. In this version, the child is the center of the wheel. A bigger circle is around that. This is divided into four sections. One is for the birth mother, one for the birth father, one for the adoptive mother, one for the adoptive father. The next circle is larger and the birthmother’s section is divided into two sections that contain the birth mother’s mother and the birth mother’s father, etc. Other related information that is known can be added.
Another issue that can come up for children, whether adopted or not, is that of making Mother’s Day or Father’s Day gifts and/or cards. If the child does not have a Mother or a Father, this can be a very difficult time. If the child has two mothers or two fathers, it leaves them open to many questions.
It is important for adoptive parents to think about these topics so that they are better prepared to talk with and support their child when the time comes.
Adoption Talk:
Early discussions about adoption issues that are initiated by parents help ensure that the child will learn about it in a positive and loving manner. Many years ago, children placed in adoptive homes were “matched” to look like their adoptive families and adoptive parents were cautioned to “just love the child” and not to talk about adoption. It was often the “family secret”, sometimes leading to the adopted person being the last to know. There has been a reversal of that method. Now, there are totally open adoptions where the birth parent has an ongoing relationship with the child. Books, internet discussions and talk shows explore adoption in its many facets. With the growing numbers of internationally adopted children comes the increased awareness that families are created in many different manners.Talking with a child about adoption should be at natural and appropriate times and when relevant. It is important not to make the child feel odd or different. Being open in answering questions is important. Starting and maintaining a life book can be a helpful tool. Knowing when adoption is an appropriate topic demands thought and sensitivity on the adoptive parent’s part. It may be quite appropriate to tell a child as you tuck him/her into bed that “I am so glad you came to live with me” or “I’m happy we adopted you” but drawing attention to the child by introducing him/her as “my adopted child” is not necessary. Children will face and deal with adoption topics over their lifetimes. They may need to readdress the same issues over and over again as they move into different developmental stages.
Generally, children under age five need only brief and simple stories about how they joined their family. Pictures of the parent’s trip to get them, picture books of their country of origin, etc. can help with the concept that adoption is a normal and acceptable manner to expand the family. As children become more aware of the facts that they were not always like they are now, they begin to identify that they were once a baby and for adopted children, had a different early life setting. As they move through their lives, they will put more and more pieces of their own experiences into place. Success in this will help them develop a strong self image and self esteem.
Some children demonstrate an almost insatiable curiosity about adoption while others seem to be quite content with minimal knowledge. This is not just a function of the parenting they received as different children within a family can approach this in totally different manners and with varying needs for information. Being tuned in to each child’s need is important for the adoptive parent. Children are not always timely in their questions. Being asked a question like “why are my eyes on backwards” by your Asian child while you are preparing to walk down the aisle as the matron of honor in your sister’s wedding can be a difficult time for all. Parents can initiate the discussions of this topic. Questions like “do you even wonder where you got your artistic talent?” can help the child feel understood and will help him/her in an open and forthright manner. Obviously, there are things parents may know about the child’s past that are not age appropriate to share with a child. If, for instance, there is knowledge that the child’s birth mother was a prostitute, it is not helpful for the 10 year old child to have that knowledge. Children’s interest in adoption related issues comes and goes within each developmental stage. Having a willingness to help the child when appropriate will make adoption issues manageable.
Teaching your child about diversity and mutual respect of those who have different lifestyles or cultures is extremely important for the child’s adjustment. It is more than merely going to a festival with international foods and booths. It means exploring the more complicated and subtle message about “every one is different” and that diversity in many arenas is a cause for celebration.
Two of the best tools any parent has are a good sense of humor and the ability to establish an open and honest dialog with the child. It will help get them all through many difficult times as well as joyful ones.
When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at you and wanted to say “Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.”
Author Unknown
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14
