Chapter 8
Sibling Adjustment
When a child joins a family, there are many physical, mental and emotional changes that happen. It changes relationships forever. Adding a sibling to a family constellation is never seamless and will take patience from everyone. In discussing the differences in adoptive families versus birth families, it is important to define the parameters. If the newly adopted child is joining a family where there is a birth child, there are different dynamics than if the child is coming at the same time as another adopted child. Children may be of different racial or cultural backgrounds. One child may have quite a bit of information about their early life and the birth parents while the other one has virtually none. Whatever the dynamics, this is an important issue that adoptive parents need to explore in preparation for adoption.Adoptive parents have spent a great deal of time planning for and anticipating the adoption of their newest child. It is, after all, their decision. The child already in the family may not totally share the joy of that decision. He/she will have many adjustments to make. Everything in the family relationships will change. It can be quite simple or very profound. It might range from who greets who first at the end of the day to who gets to go with Dad on the annual fishing trip. Each interaction will have an impact of the child’s perception of where he/she fits in the family.
The excitement and anticipation of having a new brother or sister may change to a feeling of sadness or anger after the new child’s arrival. The image of who a new child will be gives way to reality. The child may have envisioned the new child as a playmate or someone cute and little. Reality may be that the new child does not want to or fit into the mold that the existing child had created and gets into all his/her stuff. Worse, the newest arrival is getting a lot of attention. The newly adopted child has to adjust to a totally new environment, set of caretakers, rules, food, etc. This child is usually in need of much more time and attention from the parent(s.) The other children in the family are expected to be thoughtful and considerate of the new child’s needs. The child who was in the family may be sad and grieve for the way things used to be before the new child arrived. It is important for parents to take this into consideration to make the adjustment period as positive as possible.
If friends and family come to see the new child, they often bring gifts. The sibling may feel left out. If old enough, he/she is expected to step aside and act happy as the new child gets all the attention and gifts. This can be very difficult, especially if they were the ones who used to get all that attention. It is a wise family member who brings a gift for the big brother or sister or who inquires how it feels to be the big brother/sister.
Making time for children who are already in the family when a parent is jet lagged is not always easy but necessary. One thing that can ease this adjustment is for one of the parents to take the child or children who have been in the family longer out for a special one-on-one time. A trip to the park or to McDonalds alone with a child can make him/her feel special and give the parent a chance to smooth the child’s adjustments.
Just like a mobile hanging from the ceiling, family members reach a point of balance wherein their family mobile is not gyrating wildly but rather with gentle movements and subtle changes. With each addition to a family unit, the mobile has to rebalance. There may be some very difficult times as each member strives to find his/her place within the family unit. As each member of the family unit redefines him or her self, it becomes easier to mesh.
Lessons learned in the family in general as well as in the sibling relationship specifically can set many of the patterns for how a person relates to the world. In the family and the broader community, a child learns religious and ethical beliefs, values, attitudes, problem solving skills and ways to behave. The relationship between siblings strongly impacts the child’s expectations of the world and his/her place in it. Naturally, the siblings will have many differences in temperament, beliefs, opinions and values. Learning how to work with and value those differences helps a child as he/she develops relationships and expectations outside of the family unit. Parents are pivotal in setting the “norm” for these relationships.
Regression can happen not only in the newly adopted child but also in siblings who have been in the family longer. Parents are often surprised when the child they thought they knew begins to act quite differently. Toddlers have been known to grab the baby’s bottle and begin happily sucking on it. The child who has given up his/her favorite blanket now expresses a need for it. The child who was potty trained suddenly begins to wet during the day or at nights. These are all signs of stress. This regression is usually temporary but can feel quite overwhelming to all involved.
Sharing the children’s fears and anxiety is vital to the child’s sense of security and belonging. This can take time and patience. Preparing the child is best. Give the child time to talk it over, think about it and put it into perspective before the arrival of a new sibling. There are good books available that explain about the arrival of a new sibling. Some of the books discuss new babies which is drastically different from a toddler, fully capable of destroying the block pyramid that was so carefully built. Parents can take classes with the older child about sibling preparation. If not, talking about how it was for the older child at the age that the new arrival will be can help him/her know what to anticipate. They often do not remember what they were like. Role-playing can be of great help. Discussing, listening and exploring with the older child will help him/her feel understood and included. Including the older child in the plans is important and will depend on the child’s age. Two-year-olds will not understand why Mommy and Daddy need to be gone for three weeks to get a new sibling whereas a seven-year-old will have a much better ability to grasp the subject.
For ease in understanding, the term “old child” refers to the child already in the family whereas the term “new child” is for the newly adopted child. Some activities that adoptive parent(s) can share with children already in the home (adapt according to age):
• Explain about the country and process
• Get pictures of the adopted child’s country
• Allow the child to help pack the suitcases for travel
• Help pick out a name (Warning: this can be contentious. Don’t be surprised if the four-year-old wants to name the child “Sponge Bob”)
• Pick out new clothes for the new child together
• Pick out toys appropriate for the new child
• Set up the new child’s room together
• Talk about how important the old child is to the new child and what roles the old child will have in making the new child a full member of the family
• If the old child is just moving from a crib to a bed (or moving rooms), do so ahead of time so that the child will not feel displaced.
• If you are leaving your child with a relative or friend while you travel to get the new child, have several “practice runs.” For example, let him stay with grandma and grandpa overnight a month or two before the trip and repeat it so that he will not feel totally abandoned
• Tell the child what to expect (according to his/her age)
• Let the child help with the announcements
• Discus the advantages of being a big brother or sister, like being looked up to by the younger sibling
• Reassure your children how important they are to you
• Hug lots
• Let the child pick a special gift for the new child (from him/her)
• Let the child help make the new child’s life book
• Let the old child spend time with a child the age of the new sibling so he/she knows what to expect
• Buy a special gift for the new child to give to the old one
• Give the old child special status by giving him/her special tasks
• Talk about how wonderful it is to have all of you together as a family
• Allow the child to talk about the negative feelings he/she is experiencing as well as the positive ones
• Spend special times with the old child at bedtime
• Reinforce positive behavior (“thank you for bringing the baby’s clothes to me”)
• Let the old child help with as much as they are capable of helping. They can take pride in being important to the new child and the parents
• Praise the old child in front of visitors (“Grandma, he really helped me when he… He is a thoughtful big brother”)
• Reassure the old child that he/she is important
As children regain their equilibrium and redefine their places in the family unit, life will regain a sense of predictability. It is up to the parent(s) to realize that it will take time and a lot of reassurance.
It is important to remember that it is not possible to be “fair” to each of your children by treating them all the same. Each child has his/her individual needs at different times. Being “fair” is not the same as “equal.” By trying to treat the children identically, it will reinforce their propensity to keep score. That being said, it is important not to “play favorites.” It is important to encourage children to express their feelings. Acknowledging their feelings and that it does not feel good will help that child feel understood. Helping the child deal with the reality will help him/her begin to understand the greater world where “fair” and “equal” don’t always exist. With time, most families attain an equilibrium wherein each family member understands their unique role within the family and feel important to the whole family.
Language is important to children as well as adults. If families describe the new child as the chosen child, where does that leave the biological child? Other people add to the confusion with questions such as “Is that your real child?” (the answer is, obviously, yes – just as you are the real parent.) Watch for the uninformed people who may make unthoughtful comments. At times, you may choose to inform them about adoption (remember, you did not always know about all of this either) or you may choose not to engage in that conversation.
The adopted child may have many questions about biological siblings and parents. It is important to always answer honestly but within age appropriate ways. Birth siblings are other children the birth mother or father has but aren’t the same as the new siblings with whom he/she is being raised. The roles and position of extended family members can be very confusing to a child born to a family and therefore, the adopted child has many more complications. Finding where he/she fits into the family is a way of “claiming” and if positively handled, will help the child attain a sense of belonging.
The sibling relationship may actually be the longest one for many people. It will last longer than the relationship with parents or their children. Making it a good one, solid and caring, will aid your child well into the future. Teasing happens between siblings. If you had siblings, remember back on some of those moments. It will help you understand how each of your children may feel. With the eyes of the adult, you may see anger, jealousy and revenge in some of your interactions. You may also remember times of great love, sacrifice and support. Perhaps you are close with your siblings as an adult. If not, your children may have that opportunity.
Remember that no parent can totally protect their children from hurt and discomfort. It is important to help them understand how the world works and how to cope with their feelings. It will make them stronger. Many of the answers to why a child came into care and became available to join your family are not easy ones. Each of your children will grow and become stronger with mutually striving to put it into perspective.
Much has been written about sibling rivalry. Learning the delicate art of negotiation, compromise and persistence are some of the functions of sibling relationships. Teaching your children how to solve their own problems will aid them in many ways. As they learn an internal locus of control and are not merely looking for the answers from others, knowing how to solve problems and communicate with others will be essential tools.
The siblings will have disagreements, struggles and arguments. However, they should also have fun together, demonstrate loyalty and a sense of camaraderie. If none of this is evident, it is time to start looking at their relationship and professional help may be needed. Most people who grew up with siblings will relate stories that in essence said, “My sibling picked on me but no one from the outside was allowed to bother me.” Doing enjoyable things together will help build positive memories and promote bonds between siblings.
Respect the differences between your children and teach them to do the same. Promote their individual interests. One of your children may love sports while the other may love art. Assuming all will be involved in the same activities all the time will lead to frustration. Each child strives to find and hold on to his/her unique place within a family. In a family who loves music, for example, one child may play the piano while the other chooses the guitar. In this case, both children learned to enjoy and participate in music but each had his/her own twist. Valuing and promoting this individuality will reduce sibling rivalry and allow the child to develop a unique function and place within the family unit.
Comparing children to motivate them is a tactic that usually fails. It often creates resentment and strengthens sibling rivalry. All children need competition and cooperation. Learning to channel these things is one way to help the child succeed in a healthy manner.
Being consistent and setting understandable rules is essential to positive parenting. Therefore, it is important to take the time to teach the child what constitutes appropriate behavior. If the parent has one set of rules one day (come and tell me when your sibling bothers you) and another the next (solve the problem yourselves,) the child will be confused. Demonstrating to children how to share, how to communicate and solve problems, and how to have fun together will empower the children to have good relationships not only with siblings but also with peers and others as well.
Create a spirit of fun and enjoyment. Appropriate humor is a wonderful tool. Silly behavior on the part of children is delightful, funny and at times annoying – especially when they tell the same joke for the umpteenth time. The only way these children learn what is truly funny to others and to learn good timing with the humor is to practice that skill. Children are not adults and childish behaviors are to be expected. With proper guidance, they can learn how to channel these behaviors. Siblings can really help here. Siblings can encourage, be a sounding board, are more knowledgeable about peers than parents are and do not hesitate to tell the child “that is not funny.”
Children differ in their learning style. Some are auditory and can pick up anything that is said or sung. Others are tactile and learn best by getting their hands on the object. Still others are visual and need to see it. These children all need different approaches to maximize their learning. Sometimes parents think that if they have parented one child, they understand how to parent and the next child will have the same learning style. Being aware of how a child learns helps the parent tailor experiences for optimal success. One child may fit in well in a school setting, eagerly reading and writing. Another child may not learn well that way and may find that school is a struggle. If he/she can see a video of that subject matter, this child may learn more quickly. If a parent uses the method that was learned in parenting the first child and it does not work well with the second, he/she may be very surprised. As a seasoned parent, he/she may have expected to know how best to help the children. If the method is not working with a child, he/she could feel like a failure and a great disappointment to the important people in his/her life. This child may start acting out and not know why. Focusing on the positive will help. If a child is very kinesthetic he/she may excel in sports. This child may love to do crafts or help take a car apart. A child who is very musical may follow this through and become a musician as a vocation or an avocation. An intuitive child may grow up to be a motivator of people or a mediator. A child who sees things in a spatial way could be an engineer. How exciting that each child is unique! Wherever the individual’s skills lie, it is safe to assume that the siblings may very well be different. Celebrate this difference; it will make enjoyable and more interesting.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote an illustrative book titled Siblings Without Rivalry. There are more, as well. Some of the most recent writings surround the topic of blended families. Many of the feelings, issues and strategies are similar. This is an excellent time to start exploring the topic.
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