Chapter 9
The Older Child
There is some disagreement about what constitutes an “older child”. For some it is when the child is of school age but for many, it is a toddler and older. For our purposes, we will begin with toddlers and up.A previous chapter discussed overall adjustment and school issues that affect all adopted children. This chapter will further explore those issues likely to impact children who are adopted at older ages. Before we begin to discuss some of the difficulties that adoptive parents may face when parenting an older adopted child, let it be said that most of these adoptions are highly successful and rewarding for all. They are not always easy, however. Special skills and understanding are needed to help the transition of the child into a family and to aid the child in dealing with the issues created by the past. When considering the following, don’t get discouraged. Remember, even children who are born into a family face problems and may have ongoing issues. Maintaining a sense of balance and perspective are essential components of successful parenting whether through birth or adoption.
There are many reasons people seek to adopt an older child. Whatever reason, the certainty is that this will be an experience complete with extraordinary rewards and challenges. While it is tempting to think that “with just a little love” everything will be wonderful, a child who has experienced trauma, neglect or abuse will have many issues to work through. Going into the experience with a broad appreciation of the ramifications of their decision will help adoptive parents deal with various issues.
Even “seasoned” parents are often surprised with the challenges that an older child brings to the family. Although most parents understand that school age children will have many issues, they may expect a toddler will not. All older child adoptions demand an understanding of what makes them unique and specific skills to meet the needs of the child.
Don’t expect that you will feel instant love for a child who is a stranger. Many people do not feel that “instant attachment”. Give yourself and the child time. Love is something that develops over time. Most married people do not fall in love and marry the first day they meet. There is a period of time wherein they learn to love and adjust to each other.
There are many things that impact older children who are available for adoptive placement. The child’s early life experiences, health, and native resilience all influence how the child will be able to cope with the changes that joining a family will bring. Multiple caretakers, impoverished living conditions and neglect all exact a toll. Unresolved issues are the foundation of the difficulties these children face.
Just like in the U.S. system, older children come into care because of the inability of the birth family to meet their needs. This may be because of financial reasons, lifestyle issues, abuse or neglect. For some of these children, the birth family relinquished the child shortly after birth. Some toddlers remain available because their legal status has not been finalized. Some toddlers come into care because a birth parent has tried to parent but found they could not. Many of the older children have faced neglect, abandonment and abuse. Understanding what may have happened and how to help the child to deal with these issues is vital to the child’s success your family and in their future life. The information that accompanies older children in other countries is often sparse. This is unfortunate because knowing what your child may have experienced will help you develop mechanisms to deal with the potential issues. However, the reality is that little information may be given to you. Therefore, you need to prepare for many possibilities.
As parents and agencies, we view adoption as a positive thing and see it as a joyful and happy event. After all, it meets the needs of the parents who seek to parent a child and of the child who needs a good home. We hope that our child will share our joy and happiness. Sometimes they do not. They often have significant grief and loss issues. Intellectually, we understand that children are not in the same place with us but it can be devastating to an adoptive parent to be “rejected” by his/her child. It is important to remember that, especially in the beginning, it is not about you as the adoptive parent. It is about the child and their sense of comfort, safety and familiarity. While it does not feel good the be the “rejectee,” we can understand that the child is seeking ways to ensure survival. Until they learn new ways to get their needs met, they will not easily relinquish their old ways of dealing with the world. Remember, it is not your child’s job to learn to attach to you. It is your job to prove to the child that you are an adult who is caring and trustworthy. This is done through patience, consistency, and caring.
Let’s explore some generalities that pertain to all older child adoptions. There are some myths that adoptive parents may believe and need to examine before proceeding. The parenting of an older adoptive child means a new learning curve. Even if a parent has already adopted an older child internationally, there may be entirely new things to learn about parenting the new child.
There is an idea that has been around for a long time that “with a lot of love and a good home, these children will attach and be fine.” In reality, some children thrive in difficult circumstances while others have difficulties in good homes. As stated previously, the child WILL have attachment issues. It is the responsibility of the adoptive parent(s) to create an environment that will help the child. If, despite the best efforts of knowledgeable parents, the child does not attach, it is imperative to seek professional guidance.
Helping your child deal with pain, grief and loss is critical to effective parenting. Some ideas that will help are included in previous chapters; however, here are a few more. Read books with your child that talk about grief and loss and depict how other people have dealt with this positively. Talk about grief and loss you have experienced and how you handled it. Encourage your child to draw pictures or write about his/her feelings. Allow your child to be sad. Explore positive ways for your child to express his/her feelings. This may be in the form of prayer, talking to you, talking to a counselor or other trusted adult, crying or physical activity. It is not necessary to get “stuck” in this grief and loss, but if not dealt with this issue will hurt the child immeasurably. If your child has intense feelings that are denied or not recognized, it can lead the child to distance him/herself from others. Discussing these feelings, arranging opportunities for your child to talk about and express these feelings, listening to the child, comforting the child and providing ways to grow beyond the grief and loss will help the successful integration of the child into the next phases of his/her life.
If a child has a limited understanding of cause and effect (as many children from orphanages do,) he/she may not change behavior because of a time out or a stern reprimand. It may take some time for the child to understand that their choices lead to different consequences. Setting realistic parameters for behavior and consistently implementing those limits will help the child learn this vital lesson. This will take time and sometimes a great deal of effort.
Most adults remember their own childhoods and how they were parented. We go to school to learn to read, not having been born with that skill. We assume, however, that we can parent because we have been parented and have observed parenting. This approach works well at times and totally breaks down at others. Consider taking a parenting course. It may help you understand your child better and prevent some mistakes in parenting. You may remember some times when you thought, “when I grow up and am a parent, I will never do X like my parent.” The first time you catch yourself doing X, you may be surprised. Sometimes, a recognition response comes that “oh my, I am my mother (father.)” If you have received positive parenting, this may be a good thing. But no child emerges from childhood with a totally positive experience. Parents are only human. This is a time that brings the new parent into a deeper understanding of his/her own parents and can spark self-evaluation. This learning process can help the newly adopted child immeasurably because the parent has examined the positives and negatives in parenting.
The next few paragraphs are segregated by ages. However, much of what is said in one stage is germane to another so reading all may be useful. For example, hints on how to help with language and communications pertain not only to older children but also toddlers. Some things will not be repeated so it is important to read this chapter through.
Let’s start with toddlers. Toddlers may not exactly be “older children” but their needs differ significantly from those of infants and extra skills are required to achieve the best transition. Toddlers will come with developmental delays. The full impact of these delays will not be apparent or understandable until after jet lag is over and a basic routines are established. If you traveled overseas to receive your child, you have some idea of cultural practices in child rearing. Remember, orphanage life is a subset of the culture and your child’s particular orphanage yet another subset. Gathering as much as possible through observation, listening and asking questions will help you understand your child’s particular situation.
Making the transition as smooth as possible is key to overall success. Consistency and predictability are also key. The pre-verbal child will know that everything is different but is not yet of an age that he/she can reason about how this will be all right and that their lives are better. Routines provide a framework for trust and this will allow the child to feel more secure.
Touch is crucial to bonding and attachment. If your child is accepting of your touch, use that to your advantage by cuddling, touching gently, bathing and massaging your toddler as much as possible. If the child is not used to touch he/she will need to be taught. This takes time Start out gradually by inviting him/her into your space. Play a fun game. If you can then encourage the child to sit on your lap while playing the game, the child can be touched without feeling that it is an invasion because he/she is engaged in the activity. Sitting “by” a child and then sitting closer and closer – touching arms, etc. will allow your child to learn to trust your touch without feeling invaded. Remember, while you have envisioned a cuddly child, the child may not have experienced touch in an ongoing and consistent manner. He/she may have reservations about touch in general and closeness to other people specifically.
If your child is anxious about being alone when sleeping, it may help to sit within view until your child falls asleep (catch up on your reading) or to sleep in the same room. If your room is adjacent to his/hers, being available will be easier. Comforting a child in the crib without picking him/her up may help the child feel cared for without “getting them up.” Remember, if the only way your child will go to sleep is if you walk up and down for an hour, it may develop into the only way your child will sleep. Finding ways for the child to get him/herself back to sleep will be an advantage to both of you. Bedtime rituals are important. Some parents start with a bath (may be initially scary) to singing to cuddling while reading a book. Whatever your routine for “shutting down” it will help your child ease into the sleep mode. Some children need help to find their “off button”. As the parent, it is your job to help your child find his/her own “off button.” Some parents hesitate to establish a schedule for fear of disrupting the bonding process. If this is not done, however, the results may be far reaching. The child (even an infant) can be led to think that he/she can set all policies in the household. Sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on both the child and parents. There are good books available on this topic. Learn more about it now before you need it, as this is a very important issue in integration.
Take advantage of every opportunity to make eye contact. Some children are not used to this so it may seem difficult for them at first. Using a stroller where the child faces you will help during your walks. The use of a child carrier that allows closeness can help with tactile stimulation as well. Holding the small child while feeding and looking at the child can help. If a toddler is used to feeding him/herself, he/she may want to continue “by self” feeding (remember, this is a time of budding independence which is developmentally appropriate.) The parent can sit with the child during feeding times. Children need to connect positive feelings around feeding and associate the parent with this good feeling. It will help facilitate the attachment process.
Preschool children have many of the same issues and needs around the integration process. They have a need for more complex information sharing. They have moved from simple meeting of needs to wanting to express ideas and have input. A disruption in the language process can be a set back to this communication. It is beneficial for the new family to learn some basic terms in the child’s language. Things like “are you hungry” and “do you need to go to the bathroom?” can be comforting to a child. It is amazing how quickly children learn a new language, especially when immersed. However, the child will have an easier time in the transition if there is a “bridge.” There are picture books available that encompass both languages (e.g. the picture of an apple with the word apple underneath it and the word in the other language as well.) This can be very helpful to the child, as he/she will see that you are willing to also learn from him/her. It can be an exciting game and a wonderful way to build closeness.
Older children who already know how to read can communicate through a dictionary. They can look up the word and show it to the parent. This can help with some trickier translations and can be a fun way of getting to know about each other’s language and culture. As the child explains what something means in alternative ways, you as a parent, will be able to get a greater view of how the child thinks and what is important to him/her.
Beyond the learning of a new language is the possibility that the child’s language acquisition has been compromised either because of physical or emotional issues or because of lack of early stimulation. Many internationally adopted children are unskilled in their native language. This may be due to lack of opportunity in a busy orphanage setting. If the child does not hear regular input, language cannot flourish. Language delays can be expected for a child whose auditory experience is limited. Newly arrived school children are often given special services through ESL (English as a Second Language.) This program is predicated on the idea that the child has mastered his/her first language. This may not be the case. It is important to explore this as a possibility if your child seems to lag in language acquisition. In this case, it may be best to have a speech evaluation done in the child’s native language early on to determine the level of competence the child has achieved in that language. Language acquisition effects cognition, memory, perception and goal oriented behavior. If the process of language acquisition is not smoothly achieved, other issues will be affected as well. It is important, however, to remember that children reach milestones in different time frames. We all have heard stories of children who walked at seven months of age while others don't really take off until closer to two years. The acquisition of language is the same.
Children lose their expressive language more rapidly than they do their receptive language. People may expect the child of eight to keep their original language skills. However, these children lose much of it within the first few months. As they strive to “make it” in their new environment, they focus on acquiring the new skills (language being one of them) to survive. Children may be overjoyed to speak with someone who understands them in the first month or two only to be upset or angry when someone tries to speak in their native language after three or four months. This may be a function of losing some of the language but also is a part of “belonging”. As a child is trying to fit into his/her new environment, it may be confusing for a child to revert to the old language. If the child is feeling insecure, he/she may wonder if there is another move imminent. For children who have experienced abuse or neglect, native language may be a part of bad memories and the use of the language may not be comforting.
If a child has no way to regularly practice the language, it can be lost. Older children will retain more but unless further language development is provided their native language development will be arrested. Children who are not exposed to more language will not develop their language skills.
RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) is a diagnosis that has become much more commonplace. Now that the public is more familiar with RAD, people look for it in adoptive placements of older children. As stated previously, your child WILL have attachment issues but it is not likely that your child will have. It is important to be clear what issues YOUR child has. Seek professional interventions if your child does not seem to be forming attachments in a reasonable period of time. Don’t delay. No one (not you, not your agency, not the child’s orphanage) can predict with accuracy which child will be able to succeed in life and which ones will struggle. We can look for probabilities, however. Some of the markers are destructiveness, lack of eye contact, cruelty to animals and other children, fire setting, lack of acceptance of nurturance. These markers coupled with a difficult history should raise concerns and signal a need for professional evaluation.
Adjustment to an older child can be interesting. Things that are “cute” at first can become difficult long term. For instance, poor table manners can be understandable in a newly arrived child who has grown up in an orphanage. If that behavior has not corrected itself in six months, parents can get discouraged. Remember, patience is needed. Both you and your child need to make many changes. Be assured that some of your behaviors may seem annoying to your child.
Adjustment times will differ with each placement. Some children seem to fit in easily while others “fight it all the way.” There may be a honeymoon period followed by a very different and difficult period. Emotions are high during the first week especially. Everyone is tired both physically and emotionally. Emotions may range from happy to despondent. A child may easily do what he/she is asked one time and become defiant the next. It can a confusing time for all. Children may have a lot of trouble around going to bed and/or eating. They may be very demanding of attention. Usually, there will also be amazement, excitement, laughter and joy to balance out the frustration and difficulties. Everyone can seem to be on a roller coaster.
There are some are things that will ease the transition. Establish house rules immediately and enforce them. These should be simple few. You might start out with something like: 1) I need to know where you are at all times, 2) You cannot hurt yourself and 3) You cannot hurt others. For some families, it might be: you cannot go into the pool without me. Remember that sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is to say “no.” Children need the security and discipline of strong boundaries. Overindulged children have a hard time developing internal controls that will help them become successful adults. You will work on the rest as you evolve to more complex rules. Establishing “in our family, we” expectations will help the child feel like part of the family.
Give the child chores from the first day. This will help the child feel needed and, although they may fight it, that this is a partnership. Keep a fairly regular schedule. This will help the child feel secure. Initially, it is good to provide little stimulation. It is stimulating enough to just be in their new home. It is a time to catch up on sleep and begin to get to know each other. Too many toys can be over stimulating. Limit family, friends and don’t plan a party immediately. It can be overwhelming to a new child. When you do have others over, make sure that one of you are within sight or sound of the child. Don’t leave him/her wondering if the next person left alone with them will take them yet another place! Meeting strangers and going places can be unnerving to the recently adopted child.
Provide physical outlets for pent up energy. Take walk, swim, run, play a little basketball, kick a soccer ball. Whatever you do, do it together. Be the one who provides nurturance and sustenance. It will aid the integration process. Some children have a very difficult time with the closeness of a family unit. If the child seems reluctant to engage directly, you might try doing more activities that do not entail touching. You might choose gardening or cooking. These are both activities which can involve closeness but do not require the child to be “touchy feely.” The child may need to learn to play.
Talk to your child. They need to hear the sound of your voice and the sound of the English language. If the child is old enough, point to things and describe them. “That is a ball, a red ball.” Respond enthusiastically when our child talks and takes a risk with language. This can bring many fond memories for all of you. Put up a picture of an item and make it your word for the day. Add a few words each day as your child gets more language.
Provide as many hugs, snuggles and cuddling as you can. If the child is resistant, take your time. Dance with him/her. Turn up the music and be silly. Brush their hair. Use whatever excuse you can come up with to get close to your child is good.
In disciplining an older child, a “time in” is more appropriate than a “time out.” If the child is able to remain in the room, he/she will not feel as isolated and rejected. Additionally, if the child is displaying inappropriate behavior such as breaking things, it is harder to do when in the room with you.
Have a way for them to be able to reengage. For many children, it is difficult to admit guilt and they can go to great lengths to avoid doing so. Parents want to first of all stop the inappropriate behavior and secondarily have the child learn from the experience so that the behavior does not reoccur. Use of logical consequences works better with older children than punishment. For instance, if the homework is not done, there is no television as being a student is their “job.” Having them scrub the floor because homework is not done does not have the same logical steps. An interesting book on the use of logical consequences is Children: the Challenge by Rudolph Dreikers. This book is older but still has many positive ways to work with an older child.
Catch them doing something right. No one wants to only hear from a parent when they have transgressed. It is important to let the child know that you pay attention and noticed when he/she does something well.
The first month brings more joys and challenges. Often the “testing” occurs during this time. As the child begins to feel insecure about the future, he/she wants to “test” to see if the new parent will give up. Without boundaries, the child will continue to feel insecure. Telling the child that this is his/her “forever home” is not enough. The child needs to experience the security over and over again. This is why consistency in enforcing rules with consequences and in having chores lends security to the placement. The child knows what to expect. It is important to realize that the child is emotionally younger than the chronological age. Keeping family rituals is important. Some families have a pizza party every Friday night, some go to church every Sunday. Whatever you do, create consistency.
It is important to watch the child’s interaction with peers and younger children. Your new child may not know the “appropriate” way to act. Some children in orphanages have already experienced the roles among peers. Your child may have been a leader or a follower, a bully or a victim. This will affect how the child interacts with others. Watching your child play with peers will help you understand their early life. Paying close attention as this will identify areas in which your child needs help.
For many families, six to eight months marks a change in family relationships. Children begin to feel more secure and more in charge of their lives. There are more moments of trust that this WILL be permanent. Communication becomes less of a problem as the child learns more English. There will still be many times in his/her life where there is grieving and sadness but the past is slowly fading.
The child needs to fill the void and try to meet many of the needs from the past that were not met, he/she may act younger than his/her age. This might include; asking for more cuddling and younger games compared to his/her peers. Allowing this to happen with grace will help the child make the transition to the next stage. You and your child missed out on the baby stage. Take these opportunities to re-parent your child.
You will know your child much better within six months. You will want to slowly let your child make more choices as you observe how he/she is doing in making appropriate ones.
If your child is open to talking about the past, take advantage of any appropriate opportunity to let him/her know you understand and value all of him/her. For example, you adopted child may appear to be musically gifted. You might say “I wonder who gave you that talent. Do you wonder sometimes? Maybe your birthmother had musical talent.” Don’t dwell on it. It is just a way to let your child know that you are open to discussing whatever he/she may be thinking and wondering.
Be open to discussions about the past, the birth parents, etc. Keeping an open dialog with your child is one of the best things you can do for him/her. The subject matter is not always comfortable but it is better to face the child’s fears and concerns in an open and honest way. In this, it is better to listen than to talk.
Consider the possibility that your child has experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Educate yourself about this possibility. If your child has not had these experiences, you can use your knowledge to understand others. If this has been your child’s experience, it is imperative that you understand the issues to effectively help your child. There are several books that may be helpful. Many parents who have adopted abused children feel that their greatest obstacle was lack of information. Some factors to consider: the age of the child when the abuse began, the relationship of the perpetrator to the child, how long the abuse occurred, was there appropriate intervention, was there violence. A few of the possible behavioral signs of abuse can be: poor relationships with peers, aggressive behavior to younger children, seductive behavior towards peers or adults, sexual knowledge beyond that which could be expected for a child of that age. Check the Child Welfare League of America web page for a list of some books that will help you start to understand how these experiences may impact your child. One book is titled Something Happened and I’m Scared to Tell: A Book for Young Victims of Abuse by Patricia Kehoe and Carol Deac. Another is titled The Me Nobody Knows: A guide for Teen Survivors by Barbara Bean and Shari Bennett. Inform yourself. It may be one of the best gifts you can give to your child. If you suspect that your child has been abused, seek the help of a professional. Make sure that your therapist is knowledgeable in adoption related issues as well as abuse issues.
With all older child placements, one great tool that needs to be used is humor and laughter. Children love to be silly and playful and if you can engage in that with them, all the better. Even if the child does not always seem to appreciate your silliness (what teen will let you know they appreciate much of what you do?) and sense of the absurd, it will have a positive impact. This silliness will also reward you. What a great job parenting can be. You can be absurd, do silly things, sing off key, skip down the street hand in hand with a child, get a second chance to be a basketball star. Look up funny cartoons and jokes to share with your child. The child develops a sense of humor as well. Think back to your favorite memories of childhood. Take some time with this. In all likelihood, most of the memories involved some humor. Giving this gift to your child an important part of parenting.
Celebrating the multicultural aspects of adoption is important. As our society changes, it becomes increasingly important to cultivate a child’s sense of culture, ethnicity, and race. Teaching your child to value their own diversity and others will help the child live successfully in the future America. Expect questions. Use positive and respectful language when talking about adoption and diversity issues. Don’t assume that your child is a poster child for his/her culture or origin. Help find role models in many different cultures and races. This will help your child understand that you value diversity. Exposing your child to diversity is a wonderful way of valuing who he/she is.
Taking lots of family photos will help the child feel like a part of the family. Displaying the picture, sending it to the grandparents, putting it in the family album or the child’s life book are all ways of “claiming.” Some people include the child by adding a middle name that incorporates a family name. Being named after a loved relative can help the child feel he/she belongs. If religious, the family can include the child in religious ceremonies. Sending out announcements will also “claim” the child. If the child is old enough he/she may want to participate in this activity.
Share your imperfections with your children. They will have permission not to be “perfect” if they know that you aren’t. It will give the child a chance to see his/her struggles in greater perspective. For example, sharing when you forgot your lines in the school play will help your child who has had trouble in speech class. They don’t need to see you as perfect. They do need to see you as a partner in their success. Knowing that you faced difficulties and overcame them will help the child feel he/she can too.
Take part in their successes. They need to know you are interested in their activities and passions. It is not always easy to sit through a third grade band concert but being there makes a strong statement that you value his/her efforts.
Document some of your best moments. This can be done in your child’s life book, in a photo album or in a journal. It can be via pictures, video or digital camera. Sharing the “thing of beauty for the day” can help you all appreciate the good moments of life. Sharing precious moments through written, audio or visual means will build the child’s sense of belonging.
Set up a “laughter or joy journal.” Document those marvelous happenings. It will help the child, not only when documenting every day joys but also when he/she rereads it. This will help with attachment as well.
Create customs and family traditions. These can be commonplace (“we always have pancakes for breakfast on Sundays”) to the more exotic (“in our family, on the Christmas season after we turn 8, we get to go to the Nutcracker.”)
Don’t forget to have time for yourselves. Parenting is tiring. If you are not rested and have not taken good care of yourself, you will have little to share with your child. If you are married, set up dates with your spouse. If you are single, have an evening out with friends. If you do not renew yourself, you will have little to give.
Adjustment is ongoing. The acute phase is usually over within six to twelve months. Remember that your child came with a history. This can be exciting as you discover all those wonderful things you never knew about each other. Some things are difficult; others are marvelous. All of them blend to make your child the lovable human being he or she is.
Adopting an older child can be a lot of work and will take a great deal of patience at times. Most parents who have adopted older children, however, report that they love their adopted child as much as they could ever love a child who joined them as infants. It is a risk, yes. It can also be the most meaningful adventure of your life!
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14
